Graduation is imminent

Sunday (night)

I know, I haven’t posted in a long time.  I really can’t believe I started this blog about 2 years ago.  It’s amazing how much time flies.  Honestly, I feel like I just started college.  And yet, in some ways so much has happened over these last 4 years.  But I also feel like I’ve forgotten so much already.  Does it really count as living if you can’t remember it?  When people talk about their childhood experiences, a lot of times I just can’t remember much.  I’m worried that my young adult life will feel like that in a few short years.

Anyway.  I’m too tired for an in-depth reflection about life and college and everything else.  The bottom line is that I’m utterly terrified of graduating and constantly carry around a crippling amount of anxiety due to not having firm (who am I kidding, any) post-grad plans.  I just try to not think about that dark monster looming in the corner – my friend J and I joked that it’s my “funeral” (she’s a junior, so after I leave, I’m dead to her haha).

BUT.

But, I had a (somewhat-unreasonable) amount of anxiety coming into this semester, because I was worried that I wouldn’t have enough to do.  I was going from a full course load to 6 credits and my involvement with student government and the student-run newspaper was ending.  I was anxious that I wouldn’t find enough to keep me busy this semester and would sit around being bored out of my mind all the time.

HA.  That couldn’t have been farther from the truth.  This semester, I am taking 2 rather intense classes, along with commuting 1.5 hrs each way twice a week for an internship.  I’ve completed and passed my comprehensive exams and stayed very involved with the dance community.  Not only am I busy, I can safely say I’m actually busier than 90% of campus.  I have two days a week that start at 7 and don’t end (formally) until 10, and informally probably midnight.  And I’ve taken 18.5 credit loads, and let me tell you, they are not that intense.  I’m not saying that the internship will be worth it in the long run, or that there have been times that I’ve wanted to quit, to give up.  But 4 weeks ’til graduation and only 2 weeks left of my internship, I did it.

I think the point is that whenever I’ve set my mind to finding an internship, job, or anything to fill my time, I have.  I have persisted and pushed through all of the uncertainty and self-doubt.  So I need to have the confidence in myself to believe that this time, it won’t be any different.

It’s just been hard to focus on the job search and planning for the future when this is THE END.  (They call it “commencement”, but it’s the end of college, not the beginning.  But I get that it’s the beginning of the rest of my life, supposedly ..)  I’m not terribly connected to this campus, but there are a few people I’ll deeply miss and I’ll miss dancing constantly.

When I’m out of my darker moments, I am excited and ready to move forward.  I think that a more financially independent life will help me feel better about myself, and hopefully having a job will allow me to better-define my future goals.  I want to get involved in a new community and meet new friends and of course, keep dancing and writing.  I truly am excited for that next step, whatever it may be.

And while I search for that elusive first “real” job, I’ll hang out in my parent’s basement and play video games.  Or something.

Em

P.S.  I HAVE been having fun this semester.  I’ve been really enjoying my classes, especially creative writing.  I’ve also gotten to re-connect with a couple good, old-ish friends.  I have a relatively new boyfriend.  I have random good times with my housemates.  I love dancing all the time, and our dance show is in a couple of weeks.  I feel like that activities I have kept are important to me.  While I’m not sure that I want to pursue advertising as a career, my internship is giving my valuable office experience and connections for future recommendations.  I went on a glorious cruise over spring break, and my family is sane again.  And it’s spring, which means it’s sunny a high percentage of the time.  Woo happy thoughts!

April 11, 2010. Uncategorized.