Under pressure

Monday (night)

I realize I haven’t posted at all over break … oops.  I’ll re-cap briefly at a later date.  Right now I want to talk about everything I’m feeling about next semester, graduation, and beyond.

Terrified.  Intimidated.  Nervous.  Uncertain.  Confused.  Anxious.

When I’m not completely overwhelmed (there’s another one) by feeling negative about growing up and moving on, I do feel excited to graduate and begin my independent adult life.  I’m ready to have my own apartment, job, cat, and not be dependent upon my parents for things.  In some ways, I’m ready for my life to really begin.  And there is a lot to look forward to, hopefully.

But still.  I’m reading a book for 20-somethings, and the part I was just reading talks about deciphering your own expectations and desires from everyone else’s (parents, peers, other relatives, etc.).  It’s hard for me to pursue any career path when I just feel like I’m going after it because it’s what I’ve said I wanted for several years.  How can I know whether it’s what I REALLY want or what I THINK I want?  How can I tell which career path (hell, life path) will lead me to be happy (or at least satisfied) rather than miserable?  I don’t want to spend my life directionless, but I don’t know what to do about the confusion I feel.  I’m worried that I’ll choose the wrong path and have to start over, or worse, (because of uncertainty or difficulty) CHOOSE NO PATH AT ALL.  I’m scared that I won’t be able to find any kind of “acceptable” job at all in this economy (aka with a salary and benefits), coming from my small liberal arts college – much less a job that will start me down a career path that I will find rewarding.

This problem is made worse by the fact that I’m taking only 6 credits next semester, plus losing two of my campus leadership positions.  One of them timed out and one of them was cut entirely, so I’m not upset about that per se.  But it does mean that I will have a lot less to do both academically and extracurricularly than last semester.  And if I do know anything about myself, it’s that I hate being bored.  I hate it to the point that I literally start going crazy.  So I need to find something to do to fill up all that extra time in my weeks, and fast.  I’m trying to find an internship that could potentially lead to a job opportunity, but searching for one is difficult, time-consuming, and overwhelming.  Because my school does such a poor job of finding internships/job opportunities for its students and graduates, I feel alone and lost.  Large schools have endless alumni networks they can call on and frequent job fairs and networking opportunities.  But I’m stuck using Monster and other seemingly fruitless online job search sites, along with researching individual companies and dredging up vague familial connections.  And the searching is made more difficult by the fact that I don’t really know what position I want.  The fact that I can’t get up much a sense of excitement about the positions I SAY I want leads me to believe that’s not what I really want.  SO THEN, WHAT IS?  I’m not going to do nothing, so I guess until I figure out a better plan, I’ll pursue opportunities in those fields.

Ugh, I really hope this is the most confusing time in my life.  Between lacking a post-graduate job, housing, and a stable relationship, I don’t see what else I could be lacking.

But I’m certainly not saying my life is terrible.  I have a supportive family and friends, good health, youth, intelligence, and drive.  And HEY, I’m not on any hard drugs.  Woo!

Em

January 5, 2010. Tags: career, college, confusion, future, graduation, growing up, indecision, life, student. Uncategorized.