Wednesday

Did you know you save 3 lives for every pint of blood you give?

For me, giving blood is an utterly terrifying and time-consuming experience.  And I’ve still done it 3 times.  Before I give, I’m nervous about the needle and passing out and all that.  While I give, I’m really worried that they’re taking all my blood away and I’m going to pass out or I’m going to stand up and pass out.  It’s hard to explain well but it’s really a scary feeling .. while I’m lying there with nothing to do, I just psych myself out.  So then I tell someone I’m feeling bad (because I am) and get a cold washcloth and a drink.  Then I lie there awhile more until I finallly feel ok to go eat cookies.  Then I inhale about 4 of those and 2 things of juice, and continue to worry about how weak I’m feeling and that I’ll faint.  So I sit there for a long-ass time as well.  Then I finally leave but still feel weird and wonky so take only elevators.  And finally in an hour or so feel ok to climb stairs.  Now, 5 or 6 hours later, I’m still really tired and feel a bit nauseaus.  But I have an hour and a half of dance practice (groan) so I’ll try to suffer through that and then go to bed.

Did you know you lose a pound when you give blood?  Isn’t that a lot of blood?

Even though I am talking about all the personally negative aspects of giving blood, it’s still a really great thing to do and many people have an easier time with it than I do.  You can save lives just by giving away something you have extra of anyway.  And if I was in an accident I would definitely hope someone had donated blood.  So give blood if you can!

Em

Wednesday (night)

Home again, home again.  It’s fall break again this year and this year it’s weirder than ever.  I’m not one of those people who dreads going home – in fact, I love it.  But it’s weird to think that I might never really live at my home again.  This summer I will hopefully be interning somewhere not in my hometown, and after I graduate I will presumably get a job and live on my own.  Of course, I still have 2 month-long winter breaks left where I will be here for a fairly extended period of time.  But no more lazy summers with a part-time job (or internship), D, and no cares and no real responsibilities.  It’s sad that I can’t truly appreciate those summers until they’re over.  Of course I really enjoyed them at the time, but now that they’re gone, it’s like there’s a part of me missing.  I’m never going to live at my house again.  Where I lived for the majority of the formative years of my life.  Is this supposed to be more of a natural progression for people?  Maybe I should wish my home was worse so that I wouldn’t want to come back.  But it just represents so many good things to me – familiarity, comfort, family, friends, to name a few.  So many good times in my life were had here.  It’s scary to think about striking out on a life all on my own.  Or one completely separate from my immediate family.  I don’t know if I’m ready to enter that adult world yet, but I don’t feel like I have much choice.

Other than being prematurely freaked out about my post-college years, break has been going really well.  I had two exams this morning and then immediately left to take my friend E to the airport.  That was really stressful because we missed the exit and then had to try again 3 times … long story.  But we got there and she still had an hour before the flight … thank god, I would have felt so bad if she had missed it on my watch.  Then I stopped for lunch and continued on my way home.  When I got here, I talked to my mom for a long time and then my dad.  Later I went to my brother’s concert and then out to dinner.  After that I watched a minute of Stylista and then picked up D to get coffee.  We hung out in his dorm for awhile and watched a little of a movie.

Tomorrow I have lunch with my friend N and 12 and my mom wants to do early voting.  I desperately need to do laundry and I should straighten up my room – D and I kind of destroyed it this summer in our epic cleaning spree.  Then tomorrow night I’m going out to eat with D and then watching the Office at his dorm with his friends.  Should be a good time .. I just know this brief break will fly by.

Em

Monday

As in brain fried, not fried food.  The last week+ has been really intense and the next couple of days aren’t looking much better.  Right now I am taking a little time for myself (as I did yesterday) so I can gear up to do a lot of work today and tomorrow.  Last week was just packed full of homework and organization obligations.  I do like being busy, but I barely had a minute for myself.  Even this weekend was insane.

I briefly detailed my Friday, but on Saturday I awoke at 7:15 in order to be ready for leave for a suicide prevention walk at 8.  I helped set up and hung around until the walk actually began at 10.  I walked and then hurried back to campus to get ready for dancing at halftime.  I barely made it at the required time.  Then I watched the first half of the game and then danced at half.  It went pretty well, especially considering it was my first one.  Then I went to lunch with my mom and aunt at a nice Italian place I discovered.  A nice place in this town – I know, right?  Then back to campus and a potential BBQ, but I was too tired and had the worst headache in the world.  So I slept for 2-3 hours.  After that I found I’d missed a call from a dance girl inviting me out to dinner, and I felt bad and called her back.  Then I went over to my friend’s a little later to get ready for the dance.  I haven’t gotten girled-up in awhile so it was fun – would have been better if I’d known the girls a little better though.  I guess the only way I can get to know them is by hanging out with them, right?  Then we went to one of their house’s and drank a litte (and by little, I do mean a little – I wasn’t even buzzed unfortunately) and then walked to the dance.  It was really effing cold by this point.  It had been cold all day (and yes, I was out in it! :/) but the sun was in, and I was wearing a knee-length dress.  And of course, the dance was in a really open building with no heat.  It would have been a cool location if it was July.  But putting it there in October?  Someone is just really dumb.  They should let me plan their events.  So we stayed until almost 1 and then I headed back on the shuttles with this girl (my new “drinking buddy”).  Oh and I didn’t have my phone for most of the night so that was utterly frustrating.  So connected to technology, unfortunately.  (And of course when I recovered my phone the next day I had 5 texts, a missed call, and a v-mail.  So I was not entirely wrong to worry about not having it.)  When I got back to campus I briefly stopped by a room with my friendish and this other guy but then was too tired and cold so I went back to my room.

Overall it was an ok day but it would have been a fun day if it had been warmer.  And if it wasn’t following an intensely busy week.

Tomorrow I have a psych lab due and my weekly paper.  Then I have 2 exams on Wednesday.  At least after that I get to go home!  I am such homebody, I’m excited.

I have been getting headaches for the last 3 days.  Stress most likely.  And I have been dead yesterday and today – just unmotivated and tired and not up for dealing with people.  My sociability has all but disappeared and it’s all I can do to just be halfheartedly friendly.  And just a few hours ago I started considering actually doing all this work I have for the next couple of days.  I think the immediate-ness of it isn’t registering because I’m so burned out from last week.  Plus of course I have class tomorrow night for 2 hours and dance tonight and tomorrow night.  Doesn’t a girl deserve a break?

Can’t wait for the end of this week.  Absolutely cannot wait.  It’s going to be a blast, and more than that, super-relaxing.  Hopefully.  More likely I’ll be running around all of break and won’t relax at all.  But at least it will be fun rather than stressful.

Anywho, happy Monday.

Em

Friday

Today was good … really good, in fact.  But also really long, so now I’m exhausted.

Today I …

~ Went to two classes

~ Tabled for 3 hours

~ Went to the mall for a dress/socks

~ Went to dance dinner and practiced outside

~ Watched part of the Office and madly cleaned my room

~ Went shopping again for a dress with a girl from the team

~ Found a dress!

~ Watched the Office

~ Played Rock Band at some club sponsored event

~ Was exhausted and left

Overall I got to interact with a lot of fun people.  I am getting closer with people I know, talking to people I used to know, and meeting new people.  It’s all good.  Homecoming is going to be tiring but fun … suicide prevention walk, dance, family time, and more dance, here we come!!

Em

Thursday

Sorry, I’m really into Feist right now, haha.

~ Last night I dreamt of horses. I also didn’t sleep very well. I feel like they might come back into my life someday, but not now. It’s weird that they are subconsciously on my mind like that.

~ I watched Gossip Girl today – the latest one – and I really enjoyed it .. well, all except for the catfight. Not so into those. But I think I’ll start trying to watch regularly.

~ I’m thinking about signing up for a counseling session at school. My main problems are worrying about the future (internships, jobs, what I want to do with my life) and worrying about my social life (namely, how I don’t have many good friends here). I don’t have some of the typical worries of people my age – worrying about finding a boyfriend/girlfriend or drama with the opposite gender, family problems, school issues. But I do have some major concerns and I think talking to someone other than a friend about it could be a good idea. Anyone I would choose to talk from my life about problems I’m having would obviously be a concerned and active listener. But the problem is everyone my age is just so damn busy and I feel bad just rambling about my issues, or they have already heard about them and don’t have much else to say. It’s hard to justify just talking about yourself for a long period of time to a friend when they have a lot of problems too.

~ The worst part of my week is over. Today I am scheduled practically constantly for the rest of the day, but I don’t really have anything to turn in as far as homework for the rest of the week.

~ My mom and aunt are coming to watch me dance on Saturday! I’m really excited. I still don’t know if I’m going to the homecoming dance that night. The people I hang out with probably aren’t going so that makes it a little more complicated.

~ I got out of my obligation on Saturday morning so I can go to the suicide prevention walk.

~ I have some dinner tonight that I have to go to. I was going to go with my friend I. but then he realized he had double-booked himself. So now I’m going to a dinner full of alumni and I don’t necessarily know anyone. Great :/.

~ I absolutely cannot wait until next Wednesday afternoon. It’s break at my school from Thursday-Sunday so I get to go home .

Em

Monday

So this weekend I got absolutely nothing done school-wise.  I honestly would have liked to, but D was here and it’s difficult to get any work done while he’s visiting unless I really have to or make a strict plan beforehand.  Otherwise, hanging out just sounds like more fun.  But now it’s biting me in the ass, because the beginning of the week is going to be insane as far as school.  Like from now until at least Wednesday.  Today I have a bunch of reading to do, a paper to do, and a couple pages to write for another class.  For Wednesday I have a long lab due.  And then on Tuesday I’m working for three hours (non-consecutive hours, mind you) at this suicide prevention demonstration one of my clubs is doing.  That same club wants to meet basically every night to get ready for the event this weekend.  So I have that and dance practice and normal club meetings and classes.  And I’m trying to be a better business manager so I can actually justify getting credit for it.  My mom wrote me an email saying she was worried how I was “burning the candle at both ends,” and it’s true.  I just can’t keep this up.  I love seeing D but spending whole weekends every two weeks with him really throws off my schedule.  I can’t sleep right, I spend too much money, I don’t do any work.  I’m not blaming him but it is a difficult pattern to keep up for a long period of time.  There are a lot of times I’m glad we don’t attend the same school because then I worry that I would never get anything done and would just hang out with him all the time.  (That is also a fear that enters my mind when we consider living together.)  At the time it’s a lot of fun, but in the longer run it’s damaging to our schoolwork, extracurricular involvement, and friendships.

At least once this week is over I only have 3 more days until I get to go home Wednesday night for fall break.  Won’t it suck to be a real adult and not get a ton of stupid little breaks all the time?  I’m not looking forward to that.  But at least when you’re working (at least in my idea of a job), you’re just doing it from 9-5 and the rest of the time is your own.  When I was interning last semester I was frequently so tired at the end of those long 8 hours that I wasn’t really up for doing much anyway … but at least there’s not always homework/papers/reading/tests hanging over your head.  All the time.

I am just using this time to sort of gather my thoughts before I have to really get to work.  I just feel like even though this weekend was a lot of fun (perhaps I’ll talk about it later), I had basically no time just for myself, and not getting that over the next few days, either, will make it hard for me to stay focused and produce the work I need to do.  Plus I am just so exhausted from not sleeping well at all last night.

Ugh plus I have an application due Wednesday that I just remembered.  Is everyone trying to kill me with all of these responsibilities?

Homecoming weekend should be interesting … I am supposed to be at a suicide prevention walk in the morning, table in the morning, and dance at the game.  My mom is coming in to watch me dance and so we will go out to lunch or dinner.  I haven’t decided whether I’m going to the homecoming dance or not.  I didn’t go last year due to a massive hangover … better not let that happen this year, too much to do!  I think I went my freshman year but the fact that I can’t really remember probably isn’t a very good indicator that it was a lot of fun.

Ok, I’m done rambling.  Time to go at least try to knock off some of these tasks …

Em

Thursday

… But I am working on becoming more of a bitch.  Being too nice has caused me many problems throughout my life, particularly near the end of high school on into college.  Now that I’m in a managerial position for my school’s newspaper, I really have no space to be nice.  If you don’t do your job, my ass is on the line, because I’m your boss.  So do your shit and I’ll be nice.  But until then, Em is going into super-bitch mode.  I’m the head of my department – I’m allowed to require (my staff of two) to do whatever I deem necessary.  Within reason, of course, but if you aren’t doing your job and I require you to show proof that you are at least trying to do your job, that’s completely within my bounds.

And if you don’t give me the paperwork I require, I may just have to fire you.  I can’t have a weak staff.  And you, my non-friend, are on probation.

I am just too much of a people-pleaser.  I take people at their word, so it takes me awhile to figure out they are really just taking advantage of my nature and not actually doing anything more than running their mouths.  If I am working my ass off to be the mediator in a conflict, and I have actually been supporting you and trying to explain other people’s sides to you (and vice versa), but you are lying to me and actually not getting anything done?  There goes your right to have a nice boss.  If you don’t get your shit together, then bitch-mode Em is not likely to disappear soon.

I have a meeting tonight with the person who spawned this rant.  Wish me luck.

Em

Tuesday (night)

So last Thursday I found out I couldn’t do that presentation worth 10%, this weekend I decided to drop the class, yesterday I got the required signatures (a few tears were shed but the prof did sign it), and today I turned in the form.  I’m free!

This weekend was pretty good.  On Friday I went shopping with my mom which was a blast.  We met up, ate lunch at TGIF, shopped til we dropped (I got a grey fall jacket, 2 pairs of flats, 1 pair of boots, 2 tank tops, and 1 tunic-like shirt), ate a quick dinner at Panera, and said our goodbyes.  It was a lot of fun and really good to catch up with her.  That night I had fun hanging out with some people I know from one of the houses but ended up drinking too much.  I went to this party and it was a lot of fun to dance but then I realized how out of it I was, so when I got back to the house I called my friend to come get me.  We went out to eat so that I could sober up a bit before going to bed.  I’m really glad I stayed up because then I didn’t get sick, but I did get in a screaming fight with D.  (Required lots of damage control.  Le sigh.  I am stupid.)

Then on Saturday I spent most of the day recovering.  I rented Made of Honor and watched that.  Later I made pizza with the girls at the house and then showed a campus movie for an organization I’m in.  Then I briefly went to this attic show-type thing, with people doing artsy stuff.  I decided to have a sober night because I needed to cool it.  Then I talked to D briefly and watched some of Casino Royale before becoming completely exhausted.  Sunday was dance, homework, reading, Steak and Shake, and more dance.  Yesterday I did my lab for psych along with a full day of classes and meetings.  Today I had class and wrote a speech for my evening class.  Then I watched part of the debates and had dance practice.  It’s with that song Lipgloss so now that’s always in my head … my lipgloss is popping … haha.

Anywho, last night I talked to D for 2 hours trying to work out the other night.  We’re fine but I just felt really bad and dumb and awful.  I need to not be mean when I’m really drunk and on the phone :/.

He’s visiting this weekend and I’m super-excited!  I want to go out to dinner with friends one night at least and definitely go out both nights!  So much fun ….

Ok time for sleep.  Tomorrow I have class, back to back meetings, homework, volunteering, and dance …. busy busy.

Laters!

Em

Thursday

But at least it’s almost over.  I arrived back at school on Sunday night after not doing any work this weekend because I was with D.  I got back at 8 and immediately went to a dance practice.  After that I was basically unmotivated for the beginning of this week to really do any work.  When I received my bad test grade on Tuesday night, I got pumped up to do a lot better, but all of Wednesday was taken up by class, homework due that day, talking on the phone, writing for the paper, working on my group psych project that is a weekly thing, and dance practice.  I didn’t really have any time yesterday to actually get ahead in anything.  Today I had yoga in the morning, a nap, and class in the afternoon.  I guess I could have been productive instead of napping, but I just feel so much less exhausted with that extra sleep, and I had class at 8:30 – soo early.  So then this afternoon I come to find out that I cannot sign up to do my oral presentation in my philosophy class.  Cannot.  Because we all have to complete one presentation by October 21, and all the slots were filled.  Oh, except one.  Which we all ran to try to get after class, but I was basically tied with another girl, so we filled a coin for it and she won.  I’m ok with her getting the spot, it just really sucks that the professor won’t try to accommodate any of us who didn’t sign up in time.  His tune is “I kept saying the list was up and you knew you had to do one by this date”.  Well, yeah, but I feel like it is his responsibility to say something when no one is signing up – something like, “You guys only have a few more weeks and only 2 people can go per day, the slots are running low!”.  That would have been incredibly helpful and then maybe the whole class, instead of only half, would be able to do their presentations.  He was really an asshole when a few of us went up after class, completely unwilling to budge or have more people per day present or anything.  I almost cried after because I was pretty upset, but I realized it just wasn’t worth it.  (Not that I don’t cry ever, but I am proud that I’ve stopped crying over specific instances of people not being nice.  And that I don’t define myself by school.)

It just pisses me off.  On top of all school-related stuff, I also have been kind of sick since I got here – runny nose, average of two sneezes per class, that kind of thing.  Up until Tuesday night, for the last couple weeks I have been pretty unhappy here and was not working very hard.  Half the time I just want to drop out because I am really over all this school bullshit.  I just want to have a life where I am my own boss.  So there goes the corporate world …

Tomorrow is Friday and I can’t fucking wait.  I’m driving to a nearby city to meet my mom to go shopping.  It kind of stems from feeling guilty about only seeing her twice last weekend, but more than that I really want to catch up with her, in a way we can’t do when more people are around.  And I do need fall/winter clothes.

Tonight I want to start writing one of the papers for that class.  Also, the VP debates are tonight … but unfortunately I have dance practice at the same time.

I hope things improve … next week is bound to be better.  Right?

Em