Monday

I have been thinking a lot, as I usually do, about friendship and what it means.  Over the years I have had a lot of trouble with friendship – making friends, keeping friends, distinguishing real friends from acquaintances.  In my younger days I attributed it to my “shyness” or introverted nature.  But these days I manage to conceal this nature very well – at least when I am around friends.  (Or drunk.)  But it’s kind of like a cycle, because I am kind of quiet if I don’t know you, yet if I don’t know you, I’m kind of quiet.

But being introverted or extroverted isn’t really what I want to write about here.  (Although I contend meeting people is a ton easier with an extroverted nature.)  Relationships are hard.  Throughout junior high and high school, I had the same core group of friends, and we had drama here and there.  It was difficult when I realized all my friends were kind of moving on without me, because of their involvement in various activities that I wasn’t a part of.  And since high school, defining and redefining our friendships with each other has only gotten more challenging.  That’s just my high school friends.  When I got to college, I hung out with a group I eventually decided didn’t suit me.  So I branched out and started hanging out with different smaller groups of people.  Some of these people graduated, some I’m still friends with, and some have moved on from me.  Last year I had a core group of a few people and we were together every weekend.  But coming back on campus this semester, it has been challenging finding my place again.  They have all met new people and branched out in different directions.  On the one hand that’s good because it allows me to meet those people, too.  But on the other I know that I am not as close to them anymore.  One of them doesn’t really seem like a “good friend” type of person – she seems more excited about the newness and excitement of meeting people than taking time to develop a real friendship.  Another has gotten very close with another group, and while we are still friends, I don’t see her as much.  I have gotten much closer with a friend of mine who didn’t speak to me for a year.  That was a very challenging and upsetting time for me.  But now we’re better friends than ever, so it all turned out ok.

Essentially, my point is that relationships are confusing.  They are constantly changing in ways you would never expect.  I saw this too when I became close with my friend M over the summer – I would not have predicted that, but I’m very glad it happened.

Sometimes, when I’m in a dark place in my head, I fret and feel lonely and friendless.  But I know logically that isn’t true.  Friendship isn’t a competition – who has the most?  Because it might turn out those who appear to have tons of friends really don’t know any of them.  And I know I have people who care about me in my life.

It’s hard to find a balance between old friendships and staying friends and meeting new people and hopefully developing new friends.  How can you tell when an old friendship really is dead, or when it just needs a kick in the ass?  And what about balance in friendships?  If I have to call you all the time and you never call me, I doubt we’re going to stay friends because that just isn’t how it works.  That says to me, I don’t really want to talk to you – not badly enough to pick up the phone.  But what if it’s really me who started slacking first on the calling?  Or the keeping in touch?  Which came first?

It’s all so confusing.  And I know after college it’s going to get even harder to meet people – that’s a scary thought.  But if you think about it, it’s really not the meeting people that’s hard.  I talked to a girl for 5 minutes yesterday after a dance class and now we are acquaintances on campus.  But moving from acquaintances to friends?

Ok, I’m done. For real.

Em