Commitment
Monday
I really don’t have time to be writing this. I have a whole shitload of reading I haven’t done yet. Oh, and a paper to write for tomorrow, and a dance practice tonight.
Oh well. I’ve had a lot on my mind the last couple of days. This weekend I went to visit D, who coincidentally goes to school in my hometown. So we did have to see my parents twice, but that was ok because they’re cool. Anyway, Saturday night and Sunday morning the talk turned really serious between us. Like, future and marriage and all that. He brought it up, but I was generally in agreement.
Now that I think about it, it’s really overwhelming. Sometimes I think about my life, and I see two paths it could take. (I know there are about 1000000 possible paths in reality.) One is me settling down early and having a family and all that. I would have a career but it would kind of be second to the family life thing. The other is a future in which I am a career woman, living in a city, working a lot, and partying it up with my other 20-something friends. And I know I want a balance between those, somehow. But I kind of think it may be a bit early to think so seriously about the future after we’ve been dating only a year and several months. Plus we’re only 20. I know I love him a lot and we’re very close, but that is now, and sometimes I think it’s dangerous to extrapolate feelings you have now for someone – whatever feelings they are, be it of friendship, love, anything – far into the future. Because change is a huge part of life, and people change a lot, especially during this time in their lives.
So I guess while I appreciate that we’re both committed to the relationship and care about each other a lot, getting too specific about our future together kind of makes me anxious.
Em
“The rest is still unwritten”
Sunday
Oftentimes I think about that song and it depresses me, because more of my story has been “written” than last time I heard the song. But why is that necessarily depressing? Everyone’s life is a story, and everyone can only be where they are right now, at this moment. If that place is frustrated, depressed, unhappy – realize you’ll make it through and things will look up again. If that place is ecstatic and you’re having an awesome time, revel in it!
I was reading my old blog, and it makes me realize how many things I have gone through and dealt with that I don’t usually think about. Where you are, who you know, what you do … it all has changed, is changing, and will change. Change is just a natural part of life, even though we fight it so much. Change can be hard, but it’s not always going to be bad. And even a change that at first feels difficult can end up being a positive.
I just know that, even though I struggle a lot with my ambitions and career goals, I am an intelligent, driven, hard-working woman who has a lot to offer the world. I’ve been through more than my fair share of drama with people – friends, guys, roommates, you name it. I’ve struggled, I’ve cried, I’ve worked my butt off for things I want. And it may have not always worked out, but all of the things I’ve experienced make me a better person in the long run. I can deal with challenges better than many people my age because of the variety of experiences I’ve had. I know that other people have struggled with things too, but I see some people handed things on a silver platter that I’ve had to work for (riding recognition, scholastic talent that exceeds mine, good roommate situations, longlasting friends, knowing what they want to do with their life), and it makes me realize that I can perservere.
Much love,
Em
Recommit
Sunday
I have gotten really apathetic about everything over the last week or so. Not in a depressed, oh-I-am-so-lonely-and-hate-this-school sort of way, but more just generally blah about everything. I do homework that I have to turn in, but I don’t really do my reading. I guess by “apathetic about everything” I actually mean “apathetic about school”. Oh, and being business manager. I did get kind of intense about internships for a couple days, but even that faded after I realized I don’t really know what I want to go for.
So basically I’m just coasting for the weekends now. Not that they are anything great. But next weekend I’m going to see D again, so I am excited about that. The problem is that I really don’t like a couple of my classes and think they’re useless busywork. The psychology ones and usually my philosophy one, I can get behind. But especially one of my business classes is just tedious. My professor sits there and drones on and on, and I just want her to fucking teach us something. She has all these degrees and supposedly something useful to say, but it’s so boring and pointless and awful. If I hate the class, I’m not likely to do the readings. And I don’t like that my homework is mostly all reading. I miss doing math and really working my brain. (Not that it was always a joyous experience, but overall it improved my character I think.) But reading just gets monotonous. And I’m putting off and putting off papers I need to write. Arghhh.
So I am going to make some resolutions for this semester. Even though we’re about a month in.
- Get involved with activities on campus
- Do the reading you have to do and get all homework done on time
- Try to find main themes and things to learn in each class – try to make it relevant to your life
- Eat somewhat healthily and exercise 3-4 days a week
- Don’t stress out about friendships
- Don’t stress out too much about the future but do work on internship search
I don’t really know. That was kind of a lame recommitment list. Maybe it will improve later. What I really love to do is dance, read for fun, hang out, and play on my computer. I don’t think these are passions but rather methods of procrastination. Hmmm.
When will next weekend be here???
Em
Dramarama
Saturday (night)
I am kind of drunk so I can’t type terribly well. Anyway, tonight was just drama on top of more drama. One of my friends starts hitting on another one of my friends and it just goes downhill from there. And then I start flipping my shit to my sober friend about how I’m not very close with my friend M anymore, and I’m almost crying while talking about how things have changed with so many people. I was gone a semester, and at college, a whole semester is a lot.
Now I am just really congested and feel gross. I called my boyfriend and we talked for awhile, but he’s at a party and kind of drunk so couldn’t focus too well on anything either.
I just want things to be fun and simple. I just want to drink, go out, dance, and go to bed. Is that so much to ask?
Night night.
Em
Potlucks and Parties, oh my!
Friday
So it’s that time of the week again! I love weekends. My friend’s house is having a potluck dinner tonight, and then another friend’s house was supposed to be having a party, but apparently it’s been moved to tomorrow. Somehow I’m confident we’ll find a party anyway, though. The potluck should be fun, my friend I and I made cookies. They are kind of burned and we don’t have a spatula to get them off the pan, so it’s not a great system. But hey, at least we tried. Another one of my friends was going to make bruschetta, but I don’t know what’s going on with that. It’s at 6:30 so I have free time until then.
Today was pretty chill. I went to class from 10-12, went to lunch, back to my room, went on a booze run, bought cookie dough, made cookies, and had an internship meeting. I still need to do my laundry sometime this weekend (hopefully tomorrow!) and buy groceries.
Ahh I love this new itunes genius thing! You choose a song and it creates a playlist of similar songs, it’s really cool. Like last.fm except with your own music. Also, I learned how to turn up the volume on my macbook, so now I’m not constantly complaining about that. Although the speakers are still shitty. I need to get real ones at some point.
Speaking of new electronic things, I hate the new facebook. With a passion. Why did they take something that was good and then redesign it to look awful? Having your wall with your mini-feed is just annoying. When you click on someone’s name, it doesn’t take you to their wall, it takes you to their info. It’s just stupid and ugly. Old facebook should come back.
I’m going to try to eat less … in general, and also less meat. I feel like I’m becoming a fatty. My friends assure me that this isn’t true, but I eat a lot and don’t exercise. I should, I know. Diet and exercise regime always starts tomorrow :-p. At least I’m young enough that I can still sort of get away with this. I don’t want my metabolism to seriously slow down ever …
Basically I’m excited for the night, for the weekend, and of course for next weekend! I’m going home to see D and the fam, and I haven’t been back for a month or something. It should be good times.
Much love!
Em
Priorities
Thursday
I am only 20 and already I feel like I have to choose between my (future) career and relationship. Basically, I spent a lot of time looking up competitive advertising internships yesterday. They are all over the country, and even though they don’t really list internship programs on their websites, I’d assume since they’re in a national publication they’re the real deal. Now, I don’t know for sure that I will land a competitive internship like that, or even if a large company would be right for me. But I do know that having a big-name company on my resume would be good in the future, especially if I want to work in advertising/marketing.
However, D doesn’t know where he’s going to be located either, and sometimes I feel like he thinks I can just be wherever he is if he lands a prestigious internship in his field. Not that he would ask me to give up on getting a competitive internship in my field, but he maybe would encourage me to look more closely at wherever he was. I feel like I have to choose between being with him for the summer and going after the internships I want and need to get. Also, I’m a year older than him, so I really need something good this summer, whereas he still has another summer to get experience. Basically, even though he hasn’t asked me to just follow him around, that is sort of an implicit pressure I feel. Some of it is coming from me, because I do want to be with him this summer. But I do know that if it comes right down to it, I will choose the internship. Our relationship will last, but I will only have this summer for some more experience before I have to enter the daunting real world.
It just sucks that even when our relationship isn’t long distance (aka the last two summers), we know at some point it’s going to become that way because we’ll head back to school. I want to be at a point in our lives where we can just live together indefinitely. And that will probably be after we both graduate, but there’s going to be a year in between that happening for both of us, and who’s to say we’ll even still be together? I like to think that we will be, but things change, and we’re both still really young. (Especially him … I’m a cradle robber … haha.) But for almost 3 more years both or one of us will still be in school. And I don’t plan on sticking by his side after I graduate just waiting for him to graduate, either. I’m going to make the most of that year, even if I don’t know doing what yet. Probably just trying to get a job and get settled in a life by myself.
Anyway, I feel the strain between being in a proximal relationship this summer and going after and getting an internship I really want, wherever it happens to be.
Things are so complicated.
Em
Careers, etc.
Wednesday
This week I’m having a really hard time keeping track of what day it is. I think it’s because for some reason, this week has been going pretty fast.
Anyway. I checked out four books today from the career center. Two of them are internship guides and two of them are about careers and figuring out what you want to do with your life.
I feel a lot of pressure for this upcoming summer to be really great as far as an internship goes. I want to do something that will hopefully a) be something I like and b) lead to a full-time position after graduation. From all my experiences in the past, I know a lot about finding internships and I know (somewhat) what I want to do. To get an internship, it’s really important to be proactive, persistent, and think outside the box. I found my internship last summer by contacting a lot of places in my area, and voila, one of them wanted an intern. Even though it wasn’t listed on their website or anything. I think a lot of experiences happen because of being in the right place in the right time – which only happens if you’re looking! Also, it’s really helpful to be creative when searching for internships, because the competitive internships are just that, and you could have an equally rewarding experience at a smaller company. It’s important to just think about anywhere, potentially, you would want to intern, and reach out to them. Networking with faculty, past employers, and family friends is really important too.
My internship search is even more complicated by the fact that I don’t really know where I want to be location-wise. Or, that I sort of do know where I want to be, but I also kind of want to live where my boyfriend does and he doesn’t know where he will be. Even though we sort of already decided somewhere. It’s complicated but I think I will continue focusing on the area where I most want to be and live right after graduation.
For me, the most important thing – whether in jobs, experiences, relationships, places to live – is trying it. If a job sounds great and I hate it, I won’t pursue it anymore. If a guy sounds great but he isn’t into me .. there go my feelings for him. If a location sounds perfect but there aren’t any jobs or the traffic is awful, I’ll move. Experience, experience, experience – especially for someone like me, who is so influenced by my surroundings and is therefore really flighty and indecisive.
These days I think I want to go into marketing or events management. Those can definitely overlap and have options in a variety of fields, so that should keep my search somewhat open. I think it might be better to try and intern at a slightly larger company so they are more apt to be able to offer me a position after graduation. But if they take their interns for granted like somewhere I interned last semester, you are lucky to be an intern there and don’t even think of them offering you a position unless you do something to differentiate yourself from the herd. I want to be the intern, I think. I would have really liked my position this summer if it had been oriented more towards the events management side of things with none of the catering/food service aspect. I liked my supervisor (for the most part) and the people I worked with. I got paid and was utilized. If I had been actually doing more things that were up my alley I would have been very happy there. At least now I know what I liked and didn’t like about the position.
Overall, this whole internship/career things is confusing and complicated. There are a lot of factors to take into consideration – industry, location, size of company, compensation, competitiveness, etc. But I am going to try to remain focused on my goal (at least, my goal for now) and not stray to things that look cool to try. But still I need to remain open-minded and proactive in my search. Wish me luck …
Em
Friendship never ends?
Monday
I have been thinking a lot, as I usually do, about friendship and what it means. Over the years I have had a lot of trouble with friendship – making friends, keeping friends, distinguishing real friends from acquaintances. In my younger days I attributed it to my “shyness” or introverted nature. But these days I manage to conceal this nature very well – at least when I am around friends. (Or drunk.) But it’s kind of like a cycle, because I am kind of quiet if I don’t know you, yet if I don’t know you, I’m kind of quiet.
But being introverted or extroverted isn’t really what I want to write about here. (Although I contend meeting people is a ton easier with an extroverted nature.) Relationships are hard. Throughout junior high and high school, I had the same core group of friends, and we had drama here and there. It was difficult when I realized all my friends were kind of moving on without me, because of their involvement in various activities that I wasn’t a part of. And since high school, defining and redefining our friendships with each other has only gotten more challenging. That’s just my high school friends. When I got to college, I hung out with a group I eventually decided didn’t suit me. So I branched out and started hanging out with different smaller groups of people. Some of these people graduated, some I’m still friends with, and some have moved on from me. Last year I had a core group of a few people and we were together every weekend. But coming back on campus this semester, it has been challenging finding my place again. They have all met new people and branched out in different directions. On the one hand that’s good because it allows me to meet those people, too. But on the other I know that I am not as close to them anymore. One of them doesn’t really seem like a “good friend” type of person – she seems more excited about the newness and excitement of meeting people than taking time to develop a real friendship. Another has gotten very close with another group, and while we are still friends, I don’t see her as much. I have gotten much closer with a friend of mine who didn’t speak to me for a year. That was a very challenging and upsetting time for me. But now we’re better friends than ever, so it all turned out ok.
Essentially, my point is that relationships are confusing. They are constantly changing in ways you would never expect. I saw this too when I became close with my friend M over the summer – I would not have predicted that, but I’m very glad it happened.
Sometimes, when I’m in a dark place in my head, I fret and feel lonely and friendless. But I know logically that isn’t true. Friendship isn’t a competition – who has the most? Because it might turn out those who appear to have tons of friends really don’t know any of them. And I know I have people who care about me in my life.
It’s hard to find a balance between old friendships and staying friends and meeting new people and hopefully developing new friends. How can you tell when an old friendship really is dead, or when it just needs a kick in the ass? And what about balance in friendships? If I have to call you all the time and you never call me, I doubt we’re going to stay friends because that just isn’t how it works. That says to me, I don’t really want to talk to you – not badly enough to pick up the phone. But what if it’s really me who started slacking first on the calling? Or the keeping in touch? Which came first?
It’s all so confusing. And I know after college it’s going to get even harder to meet people – that’s a scary thought. But if you think about it, it’s really not the meeting people that’s hard. I talked to a girl for 5 minutes yesterday after a dance class and now we are acquaintances on campus. But moving from acquaintances to friends?
Ok, I’m done. For real.
Em
Truth?
Thursday
So today in my philosophy class, we were talking about truth. First we defined truth, and then we defined time. And we came to the discovery that truth cannot exist within the economy of time. Where we all reside.
Being myself, I have some trouble with the concept of time anyway. But tell me time is finite, and then that truth doesn’t exist … well, I was having a bit of a panic attack. It’s not like my professor was just feeding us this. I was a pretty active participant in the conversation, and at one point, when he was talking about how time and truth are different (truth is absolute, consistent, and timeless, while time is a process of becoming, with no absolutes), when I asked, “But doesn’t truth have to occur within time?”. And therein lies the problem. Time is a process while truth is a product. And to label things is to put them into boxes. Calling the earth Gaia is giving it many more, changeable characteristics than calling it the Earth. We have a definite idea of what the Earth is, but Gaia is always changing and doing things we would not expect. It is a question of object versus subject.
The world always operates in appearances. It’s the difference between seeing and being. Even if you lived with someone for 20 years, would you know them? Do you know yourself? Not really, because you always do things that surprise you. All worlds are constructed worlds.
I have seen this often in relationships. As soon as I think I know how my relationship works with someone, be it my parents or friends, it changes. Or I get in a pattern with someone, and then it changes, and I am thrown off. I am learning to adapt to these changes because they are a part of life. But thinking someone is a great friend is not a truth. It is a permeable, changeable construction of your life. You, other people, everyone’s situation is constantly in motion. There is no “truth”. And sometimes that scares me.
Em
Work out
Wednesday
Basically I’m just procrastinating by writing this post. I need to do laundry and get a bunch of reading done (what else is new), but I don’t want to. So much work…
Anyway, I just got back from the gym, where I ran and walked for a half hour. While on the treadmill, Little House on the Prairie was playing on the tv, for some reason. So I listened to modern, fast songs such as Disturbia while watching little girls run around in bonnets. But this Little House was nothing like the tame stuff I remember reading as a child. One of the girls, Laura, thought she witnessed a murder, and then more things led her and her cohorts to believe she was right. I feel like no one actually died, but still, the concept is more reminiscent of Nancy Drew’s mysteries than girls running around with their Pa on the prairie. Or maybe I am just highly forgetful (also a strong possibility).
Today I just had 2 classes and a meeting. Afterwards, I came back here and did a lot of administrative/organizational stuff – basically sent out a lot of business-related emails. Then I read Glamour while my roommate took a nap. We’re an active bunch. There was an interesting article on McCain and Obama in there. I don’t know how you would ever vote for McCain after reading it. He is completely anti a woman’s right to choose, and I don’t think his platform is even for the right in cases of rape and incest. How horrible is that? He is also against sex ed – is this guy living in the real world? Abstinence-only education clearly does not work. Plus he really wants to drill for oil. And won’t fully support equal pay for equal work. Ugh.
Tonight looks like it’s going to be laundry, reading, and screwing around. I just can’t wait until Friday when D gets here. Plus my roomie is going to be gone Friday night and most of Saturday, yay! How convenient 
. Ahh just 2 more days ….
Em
