Thursday

I’ve come to that age where I don’t put up with irritating shit.  Or if I do, I don’t buy into it.  Like, those people who just like to hear themselves talk, when really they aren’t saying anything of importance.  (I think my philosophy class is going to have a few of those in it.  Big surprise there.)  Or all the bureaucratic crap I’m having to go through to declare my majors.  It’s like, I put up with it, but I don’t believe it’s important.  That’s how I feel about a lot of stuff at my school, too.  When I was a first-year, I bought into all of it.  I was naive and I was young.  I was new.  I wanted to do everything.  I thought Earlham would be a life-changing experience.  I loved going through orientation.  I couldn’t believe that college was basically like camp, with people sitting outside and singing.  All the new people and activities and classes … it was just so new and fun.  Everyone was seemed so idealistic and cool.  Everyone was a potential friend, and I cared what they all thought.  I wanted to be that friendly girl who everyone knew.  How things change ..

Now I want to yell, “This is school, not camp!”.  I want to tell them to dress properly and not be so awkward.  Not everyone is worth knowing.  Expecting every experience to be “the most important experience of your life” is really putting a lot of pressure on it.  Things happen and you learn from them, but every moment is important, and the only moment you truly have is this one.  I think that setting the college experience up as the best experience of your life is really putting a lot of people in a position to feel unfulfilled.  Like, “What am I doing wrong?”.  And isn’t it sad if that actually IS the best experience of your life?  This is FOUR years.  That’s a tiny percentage of one life.  You’re living in the boonies of {state}.  You’re surrounded by a bunch of people with weird, hippie ideals.  It’s nothing like the world outside of it, because everyone is so wrapped up in their own vision.  Having goals is one thing, but endlessly talking and talking about what’s wrong or what to do about it is another.

Have I become jaded?  Or have my eyes simply been opened?

I’ve realized I’m not like most of the people on campus, something I wish I had realized when I was 16 and visiting the school.  Something I actually should have realized when I was visiting the school.  But I was even younger, even more idealistic, even more naive back then.  I thought I was like everyone, because I don’t think I had enough knowledge to realize what I was like … me, by myself.  I was the social chameleon, so I was like whoever I was with.  (And identifying myself, my likes and dislikes, staying true to myself even when it’s difficult, what is the “I” on its own – it’s still something I work on and strive to understand.  But I am improving.)  I had never been on my own, so I think in a way I wanted to believe I was like these people around me.  They were nice to me and I had a good trip.  But I don’t think I considered, I don’t think I could totally have known, the things that would come to bother my about my school.

I live in the real world.  I like talking about issues, but I don’t like only talking about issues.  I am kind of a girly-girl, and that’s something I miss when I’m here.  I love watching movies.  I like being out in my community, not stuck constantly on a campus.  I don’t like seeing the same people over and over.  I don’t like cringing when I see people because of how awkward they are.  I don’t even interact like a lot of people here.  I’m friendly and somewhat outgoing, but a lot of students here interact in a way I don’t understand and can’t fit into.  Many of them smoke copious amounts of weed.  I don’t have a problem with it, but it’s one less thing we have in common, one less thing to talk about.  And I’m not going to become a pothead just so I can be friends with you … some of us actually do our work and aren’t failing any of our classes.  (Many pot smokers are very nice people who I get along with swimmingly.  But as students, I find they are often lacking.)  I have ideas about the world, but I do want to have a job that makes money when I get out of school.  Then I can donate to all the worthy causes all of you are going to be working for.  But I want a life when I graduate.  I want a good job, I want a nice apartment, and some day I want a house and kids.  I want to live somewhere that actually stimulates me.  And I can’t stand the hypocrisy of this place.  People talk about social change but rarely do they go out and help their own community.  And they aren’t open to conservative viewpoints at all, which means the discussion is quite limited.  I’m not conservative, but I might be considered one by some of the people who go here.

But honestly, I think it’s very healthy I realize all of this instead of constantly being confused when I don’t fit in.  Now I can embrace that I am different than the typical student and understand why I may not click with everyone I meet.  Or why I am just generally somewhat dissatisfied while on campus.  I feel like I lose a connection with the world when I’m here, and it’s frustrating.

It’s not a bad school, and I’m not going to transfer because I want to graduate in 4 years.  For me, it probably wasn’t the best choice.  But by realizing I am different yet still want to stay, I can do my best to make the most of my time here.  And I don’t really believe in regret, and I have learned a lot here (both in class and outside of it.)  So while it may not be the experience of a lifetime, it has not been wasted time.

Em