Sunday (night)

It’s that time of year again.  And this year it’s hitting me harder than ever.  The realization that I may only have two more years left of school is sinking in.  I don’t know what it’s like to not be a student, and it’s scary.

I like back to school shopping.  I like buying new notebooks and folders and pens and pencils and labeling them all with the names of my classes.  (Yes, I’m that girl.)  I like getting a packing list and getting my stuff all  together so I can take it to college.  I like buying new things that I need for my dorm room.  I like having a new, clean space to move into.  I like arranging my stuff in my new room and looking around and realizing that this is my space – at least for a year.  I like meeting my floor mates and working with my roommate on the room.  I like seeing old friends again and making new ones.  I like the start of classes.  I like having free time in the middle of the day to do whatever.  I like being able to walk everywhere I need to go.  I like being surrounded by my peers and tons of planned activities on campus.  I like being involved with extracurriculars.  I like having a gym right beside where I live.  I like not having to make my own food.

So many things that I like.  (And many that I don’t, but I’m sure those will all resurface later.)  And so many things I have yet to do.  In high school, the upperclassmen years are where it all begins, really.  You really  feel the pressure to get involved while classes get harder.  Because the last few years are what you’re really going to remember.  Not that I haven’t already had tons of new experiences, but memories fade faster than you can catch them.  And there’s still so much I want to do.  I want to have that kind of roommate relationship where you send her bumper stickers saying, “I <3 my roomie!”.  I want to meet the friends that I won’t lose touch with.  I want to get much more involved on campus and take advantage of everything that goes on there.  I want to soak in what I learn in my classes.

At least I’m not having this epiphany as a senior.  That would be even harder.  It’s not like I regret anything about the last two years of my college experience.  But college is supposed to be the time of your life, and sometimes it seems I spend more time fretting and dealing with drama than having a blast.  After this, it’s going to be all full-time jobs and serious commitments.  And I just don’t know if I’m ready to be a true adult yet.  As much as I’m loathe to admit it, I kind of like living at home and having my parents basically take care of me.  While I know I do need to reach true independence at some point, I’ve slowly come to the realization that that point isn’t going to be nearly as soon as I thought.  At 18, I was desperate to escape the dreaded midwest and spend the summer in New York.  At 19, I realized I had had an awesome and relaxed summer right in my own backyard, and that NYC would have likely been an awful and lonely experience for me.  I also knew I still wanted to try a different location, so I went to a different city for a semester.  But this was actually a more mature decision because I now knew that I needed some support to survive.  At 20, I still believe I made the right decision to go off-campus last semester.  And I am slowly learning the value of baby steps.  Maybe someday I will make a cross-country move and live in CA, sure.  But maybe, just maybe, it would be better for me to try living in a smaller, more accessible city first to get my sea legs of independence.  Somewhere I can actually visit multiple times to find housing and an internship.  Learning the difference between dreams and goals is a tough but valuable lesson.

Between doing the classwork of a junior, being involved in campus activities, having time for myself and for friends, and visiting D. and getting a taste of his college life, this year is sure to be busy but fun.  I am re-committing myself to truly being a college student, something I haven’t fully experienced since December.  While I have mixed feelings about heading back to campus, I plan to make the most of my experience.  After all, I only have two years left before the real world.

Em