Annoying S*** … a rant about school, etc.
Thursday
I’ve come to that age where I don’t put up with irritating shit. Or if I do, I don’t buy into it. Like, those people who just like to hear themselves talk, when really they aren’t saying anything of importance. (I think my philosophy class is going to have a few of those in it. Big surprise there.) Or all the bureaucratic crap I’m having to go through to declare my majors. It’s like, I put up with it, but I don’t believe it’s important. That’s how I feel about a lot of stuff at my school, too. When I was a first-year, I bought into all of it. I was naive and I was young. I was new. I wanted to do everything. I thought Earlham would be a life-changing experience. I loved going through orientation. I couldn’t believe that college was basically like camp, with people sitting outside and singing. All the new people and activities and classes … it was just so new and fun. Everyone was seemed so idealistic and cool. Everyone was a potential friend, and I cared what they all thought. I wanted to be that friendly girl who everyone knew. How things change ..
Now I want to yell, “This is school, not camp!”. I want to tell them to dress properly and not be so awkward. Not everyone is worth knowing. Expecting every experience to be “the most important experience of your life” is really putting a lot of pressure on it. Things happen and you learn from them, but every moment is important, and the only moment you truly have is this one. I think that setting the college experience up as the best experience of your life is really putting a lot of people in a position to feel unfulfilled. Like, “What am I doing wrong?”. And isn’t it sad if that actually IS the best experience of your life? This is FOUR years. That’s a tiny percentage of one life. You’re living in the boonies of {state}. You’re surrounded by a bunch of people with weird, hippie ideals. It’s nothing like the world outside of it, because everyone is so wrapped up in their own vision. Having goals is one thing, but endlessly talking and talking about what’s wrong or what to do about it is another.
Have I become jaded? Or have my eyes simply been opened?
I’ve realized I’m not like most of the people on campus, something I wish I had realized when I was 16 and visiting the school. Something I actually should have realized when I was visiting the school. But I was even younger, even more idealistic, even more naive back then. I thought I was like everyone, because I don’t think I had enough knowledge to realize what I was like … me, by myself. I was the social chameleon, so I was like whoever I was with. (And identifying myself, my likes and dislikes, staying true to myself even when it’s difficult, what is the “I” on its own – it’s still something I work on and strive to understand. But I am improving.) I had never been on my own, so I think in a way I wanted to believe I was like these people around me. They were nice to me and I had a good trip. But I don’t think I considered, I don’t think I could totally have known, the things that would come to bother my about my school.
I live in the real world. I like talking about issues, but I don’t like only talking about issues. I am kind of a girly-girl, and that’s something I miss when I’m here. I love watching movies. I like being out in my community, not stuck constantly on a campus. I don’t like seeing the same people over and over. I don’t like cringing when I see people because of how awkward they are. I don’t even interact like a lot of people here. I’m friendly and somewhat outgoing, but a lot of students here interact in a way I don’t understand and can’t fit into. Many of them smoke copious amounts of weed. I don’t have a problem with it, but it’s one less thing we have in common, one less thing to talk about. And I’m not going to become a pothead just so I can be friends with you … some of us actually do our work and aren’t failing any of our classes. (Many pot smokers are very nice people who I get along with swimmingly. But as students, I find they are often lacking.) I have ideas about the world, but I do want to have a job that makes money when I get out of school. Then I can donate to all the worthy causes all of you are going to be working for. But I want a life when I graduate. I want a good job, I want a nice apartment, and some day I want a house and kids. I want to live somewhere that actually stimulates me. And I can’t stand the hypocrisy of this place. People talk about social change but rarely do they go out and help their own community. And they aren’t open to conservative viewpoints at all, which means the discussion is quite limited. I’m not conservative, but I might be considered one by some of the people who go here.
But honestly, I think it’s very healthy I realize all of this instead of constantly being confused when I don’t fit in. Now I can embrace that I am different than the typical student and understand why I may not click with everyone I meet. Or why I am just generally somewhat dissatisfied while on campus. I feel like I lose a connection with the world when I’m here, and it’s frustrating.
It’s not a bad school, and I’m not going to transfer because I want to graduate in 4 years. For me, it probably wasn’t the best choice. But by realizing I am different yet still want to stay, I can do my best to make the most of my time here. And I don’t really believe in regret, and I have learned a lot here (both in class and outside of it.) So while it may not be the experience of a lifetime, it has not been wasted time.
Em
Socially awkward
I’ve realized that soo many of the people at this school are really socially awkward. Like, to the extent that I’m like, “Aww, hon, really? You’re 18 years old (or more), you should really know not to wear that and act like that.” I just feel bad for a lot of them, because the real world will not be as kind as the school’s bubble. I’m open to befriending people who are outside of the norm, but I’m not the naive, overly-friendly person I was when I was a first-year. I’m still friendly and nice to everyone, but now I know that you aren’t going to be friends with everyone you meet. And I just don’t have the time to cultivate friendships with a lot of people. And I’ve determined that I probably won’t be friends with a lot of the people I know now when I get outside of school, just because we won’t keep in touch or I don’t like them all that much, at least not as more than drinking/hangout buddies. (A sign I need new friends, but how to meet them?)
Right now I’m not focusing on socializing as much as getting more involved in activities and classes and meeting people through those. If I join activities I like, there will probably be people there that at least have similar interests. (And hopefully aren’t weird to the point of pity.) I just don’t know where they got the idea that people act/dress like this in the outside world. And even though I go to a super-liberal school, I still believe that appearances matter. People judge you on how you look. If you look better, you feel better. And a ton of people just don’t know how to interact in a natural way. I guess this school just draws those sorts of people … you’d think I would have noticed before my junior year. (I did, but I guess it just didn’t bother me as much. Probably because I was friends with more of them. And I cared more about being the girl who was friendly with everyone.) Now I’m just too lazy to reach out to every last person.
My dorm is a good example. In past years (especially my first) I would have made much more of an effort to meet and get to know them. I’m sure I will get to know people in my dorm, and I look forward to that. But I’m not going to step outside of my box to introduce myself and talk to them. If it occurs naturally, that’s great, but otherwise I just don’t think it’s worth the effort.
Anyway, I’m signing off for now.
Em
I already miss summer :(
… And it’s not even technically over yet. I don’t miss working. But I miss having tons of time to just hang out and do whatever, spending time just chilling with D and other friends. Now it’s back to the world of responsibility, and I don’t really want it. Maybe it’s just the stupid bureaucracy of school that gets me down. (Having to do required classes you don’t have any interest in or thought you already completed. Yeah.) I’m just sick of being in school and I haven’t started school yet. But I don’t know what I want to do when I get out, so I’m trapped between a rock and a hard place. To be honest, I think I just want a life where I can bum around and do nothing all the time. But then I would be bored. It’s just so easy when I’m with D because we have a companion whenever we want to do something. Here, every single meal requires coordinating if I don’t want to possibly eat alone. It’s just a lot of work. I want to live right by friends. But then I also don’t, because I like having somewhere I can go to hang out and be alone sometimes.
The problem with my whole personality is that it’s so damn conflicting. I like certain things but only in certain situations. Sometimes I like tons of stimulation, but other times I like being by myself. I’m the party girl who’s also super-studious. I’m creative and a good writer, but I’m also good at business and entrepreneurship. I can do it all, but only to an extent.
Why is everything so confusing? :/
Em
At School
Tuesday
Classes start tomorrow. I’m ready. I’m already tired of being on campus and I’ve only been here for 2 days. I think it’s the small school and town size that really get my down. I don’t really know. I’m not lonely, I have plenty of friends and friends of friends to hang out with whenever I want. I’m busy with getting ready for class to start and going to meetings for activities and stuff. But still I can get feeling down and trapped on campus.
Yesterday I spent most of the day getting my paperwork in order. I met with my advisor for a long time at 1:30. After that I worked on my major declaration forms and figured out what all I need to talk to the registrar about. I finished unpacking and organizing my room. (Although it’s already starting to be somewhat disorganized already .. story of my life.) I put my schedule in ical and bought my books. Last night I hung out with a friend who’s only in town for a day and some other people. We sat outside and drank, it was fun but not unusual for around here.
Today I got up at 10:00 to confirm my enrollment. I didn’t sleep well after like 5 a.m., which isn’t good considering I went to bed around 2. I just was really restless and having all sorts of weird dreams. I don’t know what it is about this room, but I haven’t slept well the last 2 days. Maybe just because it’s unfamiliar? But that usually doesn’t throw me off that much. Anyway, after I did that this morning I went out to lunch with 3 of my good friends. It was fun but everything is just a tad off after being off-campus last semester. Then I had a meeting for the newspaper at 1:30 which lasted until around 2:30. I might be heading the business staff, so that would be exciting. It will be determined within the next couple of days, so we’ll see. It’d be a lot of work but look good on my resume, and be good business experience for me.
For the rest of today I’ll probably just go pick some stuff up from the grocery store, go to dinner, go to another meeting, and then maybe go see the hypnotist tonight. Tomorrow is the first day of class! So after tomorrow I’ll know whether or not I get into a required class (grrrr).
Laters!
Em
Bye bye summer, hello school
Saturday (night)
So the last few days have been a whirlwind of packing, spending time with friends and family, and spending time with D before I head back to school tomorrow. Thursday night was our double date with our friends M and S. We went to Hooters and then to Tropic Thunder. Going into Hooters was really nerve-wracking because we thought it would be really awkward and deserted, but it was actually a friendly atmosphere and a down-home place overall (with good food). The waitresses were attractive but not intimidatingly so. And it’s kind of hard to take them too seriously wearing those short shorts. The waitress did write her name on a napkin and put it on the table, which we thought was kind of funny. S and M were being very couple-y which was good, they seem to be doing well. The movie was really disappointing. I enjoyed Pineapple Express a lot more. The action-comedy isn’t my thing at all … I don’t find people getting blown up very funny. Or repetitive jokes about the mentally challenged. Ben Stiller and Jack Black were just doing their typical schtick. I was impressed with Robert Downey Jr but the overall quality of the movie did him in too. Sometimes I find stupid shit hilarious, but the stuff in that movie was just stupid, not funny.
Earlier that day I helped D pack up and move a lot of his stuff. We met up at noon, ran around town doing errands (the bank, Best Buy, Goodwill), and then dealt with his school stuff. We were working until around 6 or so. Then we met back up again before 8 to meet up with our friends.
Yesterday I starting packing my stuff for reals. I went to lunch with my parents at this little diner. Then I met up with M for coffee. We talked about school, guys, the future … the usual. She’s awesome and I think we’ll keep in touch a lot better this year. After that, I hung out with D for awhile before we went over to our friend N’s house for a little HS friend reunion. I think seven of us were there overall, each one adding to the overall awkwardness of the group. D said he didn’t think it was too bad, but I thought her mother hovering over our shoulders was a little weird and stifled conversation. I think it would have been more natural for everyone to have gone out to eat somewhere, but it was nice of her to offer her house. D and I left around 8 to go to the HS football game, where my brother was playing in the marching band. We watched a long first half (my school was ruling) before halftime. The band was good. After that we went back to my house and hung out.
Today I got up at 9 to go get a new camera from Sam’s with D and his mom. I found the one I wanted (I lost my other one :/) but then the guy took forever locating it. Like, long enough that I thought he wasn’t going to find it. Then his mom decided she wanted one so she bought one too. After that I packed hard-core for a couple of hours. After that I drove out to D’s dorm and we hung out and listened to music until his roommate came back. Then we headed to my house to hang out and work on packing. We ended up taking a nap for an hour or so and then finished packing my stuff up. My parents were gone for forever but my brother came home eventually. We went to Arby’s (classy, no?) and picked him up some food there. D and I had a lot of fun just hanging out and cuddling. We tried on each other’s pants so that was amusing. We do some ridiculous/hilarious shit. It was hard to know we aren’t going to see each other for a little while, but we’re only 2 hours away and we’ll probably visit every few weeks. We just have so much fun being together. He was carrying me around on his back and tickling me, it was cute.
Anyway, tomorrow’s back to school. I’m actually really excited. There are friends there I haven’t seen since December and I can’t wait to see them. I want to see my room and roommate and hang out with everyone. And who knows, there are a few days until classes start, a party may even be in order 
. I need to attend to a lot of practical stuff too, like getting books, dealing with declaring my major and meeting with my advisor, making sure I can graduate on time, and getting into a required class. Sigh. But overall I hope it will be a good experience. And I’ve recommitted to becoming involved with school, activities, friends, and the community this semester. I want to get the most out of my last 2 years.
Em
Cleaning etc.
Wednesday (night)
I can’t believe it’s only a few more short days until I go back to school. D. and I spent a good portion of today (since noon, excluding the couple hours we spent seeing Pineapple Express) and Monday cleaning my room. I was going to do it on my own, but as usual, I am really nostalgic and bad at throwing things away. My cleaning stamina is about zero. Which means my room has only accumulated crap since we moved here when I was 11. It’s hard to watch some of it go, but overall I know it’s for the best. And I am keeping the things that are truly meaningful to me. Getting rid of a ton of stuff will allow me to actually cherish the things I care about, instead of having a lot of nostalgic-inducing things stored in a box somewhere. And a lot of it is truly just crap, not even really worth saving. We threw away a ton of nail polish and perfume that was from my pre-teen years. There is stuff that dates back to the late nineties, so it had to have made the move from my old house. As D. says, the room should show my personality, and right now it doesn’t.
But even after we get through the bulk of the room, we still have to tackle the closet. And the decorations, most likely. The trillion horse ribbons on the walls really should go, but I don’t know if I can bear to through them away. And all the old school stuff. It’s stuff I never look at but like to know that I have. Like sometimes I remember how I threw all of my junior year school stuff away and it’s just like, what if there was something in there I actually cared about? Oh well, it’s in the past.
I lost my camera a few days ago and I still can’t find it. It’s really frustrating because we’ve been through the majority of my room, and it still hasn’t turned up. People keep saying it will show up, and it probably will eventually, but I need a camera before I head back to school. Which is Sunday. So I guess if I don’t find it before then I’ll just buy a new one? Ugh, that thought pains me. Having lost it just makes me feel bad, especially when I feel like I’ve looked everywhere and have no idea where it could be.
So back to school is becoming a reality. I’ve spent most of the last three days with D, but I know that soon I’ll need to buckle down and focus on my own packing efforts. Tomorrow I’m doing laundry and I’m going to help him pack. Maybe that will give me a better idea of what I need to bring. I’m so excited to not have to be packing for a plane!
I finally heard from my roommate, which is reassuring. It sounds like the room is nice and roomy and everything. My advisor is another story. She hardly ever returns my emails. I know this is a busy time of year and I’m kind of anal about school things and keeping things in order, but I really need to meet with her when I get back on campus. I had to plan my own schedule last semester because I was away, and I want to know that I can graduate in four years with two majors. If she sits me down and tells me now that I can’t, I’m going to be majorly pissed. I’m thinking of just changing to another guy in the department. I don’t want to hurt my advisor’s feelings but if she’s not dependable, it’s really not fair to me.
Tomorrow D. and I are going on a double date with a couple of our friends. It should be fun. Then on Friday I’m having coffee with my friend M. and we’re going over to our friend N’s house. Saturday is probably going to be focused on packing. I had no idea summer, especially this week, would fly by so quickly. But I guess that’s how it goes, eh?
Em
It’s been awhile … back to school is back again
Sunday (night)
It’s that time of year again. And this year it’s hitting me harder than ever. The realization that I may only have two more years left of school is sinking in. I don’t know what it’s like to not be a student, and it’s scary.
I like back to school shopping. I like buying new notebooks and folders and pens and pencils and labeling them all with the names of my classes. (Yes, I’m that girl.) I like getting a packing list and getting my stuff all together so I can take it to college. I like buying new things that I need for my dorm room. I like having a new, clean space to move into. I like arranging my stuff in my new room and looking around and realizing that this is my space – at least for a year. I like meeting my floor mates and working with my roommate on the room. I like seeing old friends again and making new ones. I like the start of classes. I like having free time in the middle of the day to do whatever. I like being able to walk everywhere I need to go. I like being surrounded by my peers and tons of planned activities on campus. I like being involved with extracurriculars. I like having a gym right beside where I live. I like not having to make my own food.
So many things that I like. (And many that I don’t, but I’m sure those will all resurface later.) And so many things I have yet to do. In high school, the upperclassmen years are where it all begins, really. You really feel the pressure to get involved while classes get harder. Because the last few years are what you’re really going to remember. Not that I haven’t already had tons of new experiences, but memories fade faster than you can catch them. And there’s still so much I want to do. I want to have that kind of roommate relationship where you send her bumper stickers saying, “I <3 my roomie!”. I want to meet the friends that I won’t lose touch with. I want to get much more involved on campus and take advantage of everything that goes on there. I want to soak in what I learn in my classes.
At least I’m not having this epiphany as a senior. That would be even harder. It’s not like I regret anything about the last two years of my college experience. But college is supposed to be the time of your life, and sometimes it seems I spend more time fretting and dealing with drama than having a blast. After this, it’s going to be all full-time jobs and serious commitments. And I just don’t know if I’m ready to be a true adult yet. As much as I’m loathe to admit it, I kind of like living at home and having my parents basically take care of me. While I know I do need to reach true independence at some point, I’ve slowly come to the realization that that point isn’t going to be nearly as soon as I thought. At 18, I was desperate to escape the dreaded midwest and spend the summer in New York. At 19, I realized I had had an awesome and relaxed summer right in my own backyard, and that NYC would have likely been an awful and lonely experience for me. I also knew I still wanted to try a different location, so I went to a different city for a semester. But this was actually a more mature decision because I now knew that I needed some support to survive. At 20, I still believe I made the right decision to go off-campus last semester. And I am slowly learning the value of baby steps. Maybe someday I will make a cross-country move and live in CA, sure. But maybe, just maybe, it would be better for me to try living in a smaller, more accessible city first to get my sea legs of independence. Somewhere I can actually visit multiple times to find housing and an internship. Learning the difference between dreams and goals is a tough but valuable lesson.
Between doing the classwork of a junior, being involved in campus activities, having time for myself and for friends, and visiting D. and getting a taste of his college life, this year is sure to be busy but fun. I am re-committing myself to truly being a college student, something I haven’t fully experienced since December. While I have mixed feelings about heading back to campus, I plan to make the most of my experience. After all, I only have two years left before the real world.
Em
Mmm summer
Wednesday
It’s my friend M’s birthday tomorrow and we’re all going out in a little bit to celebrate. While writing her card, I got to thinking about this summer and what’s it’s meant for me, and for me and her. I’ve gotten to know her a ton better and had a lot of fun going out with our friend S., staying in and partying it up, taking late-night walks and taking a bunch of unnecessary pictures, having long talks over coffee about our lives, our friends, guys, day to day goings-on, basically everything. I’ve really appreciated this summer as an opportunity to get to know her better. Without the shield to being our honest and current selves that a lot of our other friends constantly provide, it was easy to have open and true conversations.
I’m also grateful to have gotten to spend a lot of time with D. Even though he’s been gone for the last few weeks, the weeks and months before that really gave us a chance to spend invaluable time together. We got closer than we’ve ever been, and that’s saying something. And by being with someone longer, you get even more comfortable with all aspects of the relationship. We’re just so happy and have a ton of fun together.
Some summer highlights have been getting to see my good friend S. on two occasions before he moved away, traveling to Europe for two weeks with the fam, going camping with friends, going to see Batman twice in Imax (yeah I’m cool), spending time in Michigan relaxing at the lake, and next up is a DMB concert.
Also, there was the day to day (occasional drudgery of) work … sometimes boring, but also very educational. I learned a lot about working at banquets and events, setting up rooms including linens, table settings, and folding napkins (yay napkins and the table fold), and dealing with all varieties of food and people. Also, I did a lot of promotional materials, which really makes me appreciate the amount of effort that goes into every little sign, handout, order form … there’s a hardworking person behind any one of those seemingly boring sheets. Then I created a promotional packet for the business, which was awesome. Hopefully I’ll get to spread the word throughout the community over the next couple of weeks. I also got to meet some truly great people through my work, which I’m happy about.
So my summer has consisted of work, vacation, friendship, and family. While there have been a few angsty times (I wouldn’t be myself without those), overall I have been very content. I have people around me who I truly care about and I fill my time doing things I enjoy. What else is there to ask for?
Em
I am going to write a novel …
Sunday
By my 21st birthday in December. I have to set a deadline or else I’ll never get it done. I tried writing a novel a few years ago, I was probably around 16. It was ok but my problem is that I run out of material before I have a long enough book. So I just have to remember to put in a lot of description passages and dialogue.
Unfortunately, even though I have a plot, characters, a theme, and a general outline for the book, I don’t really feel comfortable starting to write it because my Mac says Word has a “compatibility issue”. It says it doesn’t have the english proofing tools installed, but I’m pretty sure that’s not true because it’s underlined grammar mistakes already and can give me synonyms. I’ll ask D. about it tonight when I talk to him.
This whole novel-writing idea came along over the last few days. I was on vacation and I finally got the chance to relax and read a couple of books. Being away from technology is really conducive to my relaxation and actually getting through reading material. But anyway, I just thought about all the books I see on the shelves and how I could do better. (Turns out, it’s pretty hard to write a novel. Or in the style of a novel.) And there’s a character whose story I want to tell. Even though I haven’t completely ironed out the details (the ending feels a tad cheesy to me which isn’t good), I’m excited about telling her story. I just need to get it down on paper in a way that is long enough and explores important themes. Oh, and I need my computer to stop giving me that damn error. It worries me that I might not be able to work with what I’ve written later, or not be able to put it onto a different computer.
I should probably try emailing it to myself and opening it on another machine. Brilliant idea, eh?
Outside of reading, thinking, and writing, I drove home with the fam today – it was a long-ass car ride, probably 7 or so hours altogether. Even though vacation was awesome and relaxing (even if I got a bit of a sunburn), I’m glad to be back. And D. gets back on Thursday night which is exciting.
Ok, just wanted to put this whole novel idea down on paper. Mwuah!
Em
