Thursday

I can’t believe it’s already Thursday.  Although I guess since I don’t get a weekend because of work, it’s not really a cause for celebration.

I am just so tired.  Working a lot and hard, worrying about my purpose in life and future career, and on-and-off fighting with D. is bringing me down.  I just want the world to leave me alone for awhile so I can just relax and regroup, but by the looks of my schedule that isn’t going to happen.  Any one of those things would be enough to cause anyone a significant amount of stress, but together I am getting pretty worn down.

Thankfully, I am resilient and would prefer to be slightly stressed than bored.  I usually bounce back quickly – I feel things strongly but not necessarily for a long time.

Tomorrow I’m working from 10-10, Saturday from about 8 to 4, and Sunday from 8 to 6.  That’s a pretty ridiculous weekend.  I wonder if I’m going to have over 40 hours this week.  I’ve worked every day but Tuesday, and have a lot to do every day.  It’s good that I’m not bored, but it’s really draining.  Today I moved boxes of stock around the dry goods room, freezer, and cooler, loaded up some beer, did dishes in the 90 degree kitchen for a couple hours, and then folded napkins.  That’s a really busy day.  Yesterday I was in the office all day, but I was still working hard (just not as much physically).

Plus I’ve played tennis each of the last 3 days.  So I haven’t really had much time to myself.

Yesterday I picked up a couple books about careers/life paths – What Color is Your Parachute and How’d You Get That Gig? or something.  The first is a practical manual type of thing, but it’s really popular – I kind of wish it was arranged with the section about figuring out what you want to do before the part about how to find a job – alas.

I think the fighting with D. is brought out because I have been really tired for a few days, so I have less tact and pick at him for small things.  Things he does irritate me when they normally wouldn’t.  Ironically, when I’m without energy I can’t find the reserves to be nice to the ones I love the most.  I can only find the patience to be fake-nice to those I barely or don’t know.

Sometimes it is frustrating, though.  Today I came in and announced, “I’m completely exhausted” and my mom was like, “That’s good!”.  And then proceeded to tell me some story about the son of a friend of hers from high school.  That wasn’t really the reaction or support I was going for – at all.  It’s not like I only want to talk about myself, but that didn’t seem like a very understanding answer.  When she suggests her random career choices for me sometimes, I kind of doubt how well she knows me.  A lot of people have trouble with their mothers throughout high school, but during high school our relationship was pretty clear.  I was the good girl and I told her everything.  Even in the beginning of college, I’d fill her in on my myriad boy-drama, how everything in my life was going, and what I’d been up to with friends.  It’s not like we don’t do that now, but we’ve both changed.  She’s become busier (and sometimes I think more self-absorbed), and I don’t really know with what exactly.  And I’m busy too, and I’m more likely to share things with my close friends instead.  Because of reactions like tonight’s, where I don’t feel or see that she cares much that I just want to vent.

Ok, enough ranting.  I’m sure everything will improve when I finally get some time for myself.  Tonight I’m hoping to just hang out, read, maybe watch the So You Think You Can Dance vote-off show.  D. might want to do something, but I’m worried that we’re both just in bad places individually right now and our collective mood won’t be so great.

Sorry for the downer entry…

Em