Thursday

I can’t believe it’s already Thursday.  Although I guess since I don’t get a weekend because of work, it’s not really a cause for celebration.

I am just so tired.  Working a lot and hard, worrying about my purpose in life and future career, and on-and-off fighting with D. is bringing me down.  I just want the world to leave me alone for awhile so I can just relax and regroup, but by the looks of my schedule that isn’t going to happen.  Any one of those things would be enough to cause anyone a significant amount of stress, but together I am getting pretty worn down.

Thankfully, I am resilient and would prefer to be slightly stressed than bored.  I usually bounce back quickly – I feel things strongly but not necessarily for a long time.

Tomorrow I’m working from 10-10, Saturday from about 8 to 4, and Sunday from 8 to 6.  That’s a pretty ridiculous weekend.  I wonder if I’m going to have over 40 hours this week.  I’ve worked every day but Tuesday, and have a lot to do every day.  It’s good that I’m not bored, but it’s really draining.  Today I moved boxes of stock around the dry goods room, freezer, and cooler, loaded up some beer, did dishes in the 90 degree kitchen for a couple hours, and then folded napkins.  That’s a really busy day.  Yesterday I was in the office all day, but I was still working hard (just not as much physically).

Plus I’ve played tennis each of the last 3 days.  So I haven’t really had much time to myself.

Yesterday I picked up a couple books about careers/life paths – What Color is Your Parachute and How’d You Get That Gig? or something.  The first is a practical manual type of thing, but it’s really popular – I kind of wish it was arranged with the section about figuring out what you want to do before the part about how to find a job – alas.

I think the fighting with D. is brought out because I have been really tired for a few days, so I have less tact and pick at him for small things.  Things he does irritate me when they normally wouldn’t.  Ironically, when I’m without energy I can’t find the reserves to be nice to the ones I love the most.  I can only find the patience to be fake-nice to those I barely or don’t know.

Sometimes it is frustrating, though.  Today I came in and announced, “I’m completely exhausted” and my mom was like, “That’s good!”.  And then proceeded to tell me some story about the son of a friend of hers from high school.  That wasn’t really the reaction or support I was going for – at all.  It’s not like I only want to talk about myself, but that didn’t seem like a very understanding answer.  When she suggests her random career choices for me sometimes, I kind of doubt how well she knows me.  A lot of people have trouble with their mothers throughout high school, but during high school our relationship was pretty clear.  I was the good girl and I told her everything.  Even in the beginning of college, I’d fill her in on my myriad boy-drama, how everything in my life was going, and what I’d been up to with friends.  It’s not like we don’t do that now, but we’ve both changed.  She’s become busier (and sometimes I think more self-absorbed), and I don’t really know with what exactly.  And I’m busy too, and I’m more likely to share things with my close friends instead.  Because of reactions like tonight’s, where I don’t feel or see that she cares much that I just want to vent.

Ok, enough ranting.  I’m sure everything will improve when I finally get some time for myself.  Tonight I’m hoping to just hang out, read, maybe watch the So You Think You Can Dance vote-off show.  D. might want to do something, but I’m worried that we’re both just in bad places individually right now and our collective mood won’t be so great.

Sorry for the downer entry…

Em

Saturday

I realized today that I’m no longer inspired by my clothes or my closet.  Dressing is a chore, and that’s not how it should be.  Fashion should be fun and right now it’s not.  So tomorrow I am working on clearing out my closet.  Because then I can go shopping and buy me some inspiration .

Tonight I went to this big festival thing with three of my friends.  It was really nice to get out of the house and be out and about in the community.  It was really good to catch up with them and just hang out and talk.  I’ve missed interacting with friends.  Also, the fireworks were good.  Even though I’m not usually a huge fan, I like how the sound shakes you to your core, especially at the finale.  And there were these cool ones that looked kind of like palm trees.  I ran into some people I know, including someone from way back and a bunch of people from high school.  That was fun too.

Now D. and I are going to go on a walk.  It’s super-nice out tonight so I’m excited.  Then tomorrow is lovely Sunday, and I hope to work on my closet and do a vision board with my mom.

Today I just hung out.  My mom and I watched Paris, Je T’aime.  I read Eat Pray Love, watched some tv shows about prom (I miss it!), and browsed the internet.  It was really good to just relax alone in the house by myself for awhile.

Overall a good day, and hopefully another tomorrow .  I love summer.

Em

Friday

It feels like there are a bunch of little people doing jumping jacks in my stomach.  It’s not comfy.  And the last thing I ate (quite a few hours ago) was some cereal.  Oh, and a little chocolate.  But seriously.  I can eat a hamburger after being vegetarian for five years and be completely fine, but cereal makes me clutch my stomach?  This is just ridiculous.

Anyway, D. and I talked about our issues on the phone earlier (after I had talked to both I. online last night and S. today on the phone about it … I love my friends).  We talked about two of our main recurring problems and we came up with some proposed solutions to them.  So hopefully we will both work on holding up our parts of the bargain and things will improve.

It’s not like there are big problems.  But even little problems need to be solved.

I have been thinking a lot lately.  I want to work on really discovering who I am, what I like, and what I want.  This is something that’s hard for an indecisive, scattered person like myself (oooh, shiny object!), but I am trying to figure myself out without judgment and with true honesty.  A lot of times I fast forward to worrying about careers when I haven’t even figured out what it is I like to do or what I’m good at.  It’s putting the cart before the horse.

Three things I know about me – I like to create, I like to help people better themselves, and I like to sell things.  But I need to become more specific and more detailed.

Along with this self-discovery, I’ve learned I definitely want to travel more.  Instead of overanalyzing where I want to go and why, I am going to work on trusting my intuition.  (On everything, not just in travel.)  I have always wanted to go to Australia, so when I get the opportunity I will take it.  Or I will make the opportunity at some point in my life – nothing is ever just handed to you.

The book Eat Pray Love has been inspiring me, even though I’m only a little way through it.  That book I was talking about yesterday, about designing your self, has also been helping.  It talks about simplifying your space – have few but very nice things.  I agree with that in principle but I definitely don’t live by it – my overstuffed room is an example.

I need to work on figuring out what I want out of life, not just what I think I want, or what I should want.  My mom’s friend’s friend does this thing where you cut out pictures from magazines and make a big poster out of them.  The ones you select and how you arrange them tell you something about your life.  I think that’s a very interesting concept and I kind of want to try it.

Aside from all of this thinking about my life, my evening was pretty uneventful.  I talked on the phone for awhile, then finished watching Jumper (not a good movie), and then went and hung out with D.  We watched Flight of the Conchords (sooo hilarious) and just chilled.  Now I’m back home since my stomach was giving me so much trouble and I’m really sleepy.  Tomorrow I work from 3:30-10ish.  I kind of wish I had the day off (it is Saturday), but seeing as I had 2 days off during the week I’m ok with it.

Sleep time for me!

Em

Thursday

Today during work I got into a fight-ish with D. online (classy, I know, especially since I get paid by the hour).  So then I was already set up for a weird mood to occur.  Then after work I went to Borders to clear my head and to hopefully pick up some books about, you guessed it, life.

Yes, I am a big proponent of the self-improvement section.  Books on navigating your way through your 20s particularly pique my interest.  So today I was trying to find books to help me figure out possible career paths, etc.  I didn’t find anything that I wanted to buy, but this book called Design Your Self or something like that was pretty good.

Regardless, I spent about an hour and a half there, and I went on quite a mini-journey through self-help, travel, literature, chick-lit, and business.  I forget if I hit any other sections, but I picked up a lot of interesting books and decided I want to at least try to read Eat Pray Love. I’m not usually much one for the praying, but as long as its not preaching Christianity or something I should be ok.

While I was there I got into an off mood – I felt sort of like I wanted to cry and didn’t know why.  I think because I realized that there is no book that can tell me what I reallly want to know – how to best navigate my life’s journey.  That’s something I’m going to have to do by myself.

For me, right now, that journey includes trying to embrace the fact that I don’t know what I want to do with the rest of my life.  One day it’s producing, the next it’s consulting, the next it’s counseling, the next it’s starting a business.  Another thing that concerns me is my quest to find a true passion, both for its own sake and out of the hope it will guide me towards a career.  I wish I had more of an ability to see anything through.  I am full of ideas but lacking in follow-through.  I may say I want to write a book, and it may even get started, but it’s doubtful it will get finished.  Because I will get bored before I get through penning the fourth chapter.  And I don’t really know what to do about that problem of mine, except acknowledge it and try to have more focus and drive.  I am very whimsical, one second seeing myself spending a year in London, the next a happy family woman in the ‘burbs, the next jetting off to L.A. the second I graduate.  I feel like I’m waiting for my life to start, so much of the time, yet I know that my youth is going to fly by and I’m going to regret not appreciating it more now when I’m older.  But I don’t know what to do about that … I guess just recognize and own the stage of life that I’m in right now.  Because really, the present is all that we have.  The past is gone and the future is yet to come.  I think that to decide what my goals are, I need to sit down and be truly honest with myself, without overly glamourizing anything.  I need to look at my true strengths and weaknesses and allow myself to just feel the way I feel about things.  If I am more truthful with myself throughout my daily activities and life path, I will be able to more easily distinguish my likes and dislikes.  I need to keep an open mind and not get too hung up over anything, and if I feel like I “should” like it or not.

Enough philosophy for one night.

Em

Wednesday

Aka I’m always going to have some kind of job.  Because otherwise I go slightly crazy.  I can’t motivate myself to do anything unless I have something on the schedule to do.

Like today, for instance.  Another surprise day-off from my boss, who had to go home again.  Which means I’ve worked one day out of the last 3.  I am working on Saturday, though.  Which is bad because D. is off work then and it’s eating up part of my weekend, but good because it’ll be a wedding, I’ll be making slightly more money than usual, and some of these lost hours will be made up.

When I’m at work, I can’t wait to get home, but when I’m at home for too long, I get too antsy.  The grass is always greener, yes?

My day today has consisted of waking up at 12 (very nice), reading a little, stressing about my future (and how with my undergrad business education at a liberal-artsy college I’m not going to be able to land one of those swanky consulting jobs, probably – not so nice), browsing the internet (a little boring but ok), and now likely watching tv.  I haven’t put in my contacts, put on makeup, or even put on an outfit I would wear other than to play sports.

Tonight my agenda consists of an hour and a half of tennis class and watching So You Think You Can Dance with D. and whoever else happens to be around.  And probably watching Adaptation.  Aren’t you jealous of my life and my netflix habit?

Speaking of netflix habit, last night I was watching Flight of the Conchords and it was hilarious.  Good news – apparently the show is going into its 2nd season in the fall (aka it hasn’t been cancelled).

Ok, I’m off to stuff my face and watch the big picture box.  Maybe I’ll do the Body by Glamour workout later?

Em

Tuesday

So I realized today that I am content.  I may not have the glamorous life I dream that I want, but I am pretty happy.  Definitely more happy than last semester, in the city living with the 3 bitches.  Or the semester before with my frustration with school – unappealing classes and stagnating friendships were both things I can only hope will improve next year.

This summer, I have a 30-35 hour a week job that is with people I like and that pays pretty well.  I generally am busy all day, which is good for me.  And it is only stressful enough that I never get bored.  While I originally thought it would be different and initially had some irritations with my tasks, now I realize that I will be doing a really wide variety of things.  And I’m good with that, because the more you can learn, the better off you are.

Aside from my job, I’m also getting more involved with being athletic.  I’m taking a tennis class that meets twice a week and I’m occasionally playing frisbee and running.

I’m also getting to hang out with my boyfriend all the time, which is a rare thing for us.  I’m also getting to spend time with my immediate and extended family.  And I got to go to Europe, which is pretty cool too.

And I have some time just for me.  Although sometimes I want to have more, having less time to myself makes me value alone time even more.  Time by myself allows me to blog, read, sit outside, run, go through old photos, watch tv, listen to music, surf the web … basically do whatever helps me relax.  And that’s always nice.

While I wish I was more involved with my friendships and got to party more, I have not completely stagnated.  I am meeting some people through work, tennis, and frisbee.  And even if new people I meet never turn into good friends, at least we can have fun for the time being.  And parties … I’m sure I’ll go to plenty when I get back to school, if my friends are anything like they were when I left :-p.

Basically, my summer is super-chill – but isn’t that how summer is supposed to be?

Em

Monday

+ So I had another (unexpected) day off work today.  Those are the best because they feel just like snow days used to … you are suddenly blessed with an abundance of free time, and it’s fabulous.  (Apparently the power went out because the tree holding up the transformers fell down during the big storm last night.  The same storm that caused D.’s power to go out and alarm to reset … oops.)

+ Speaking of fabulous, I just saw the Sex & the City movie for the second time.  I think I liked it even better this time – I’m getting over the whole “Carrie shouldn’t have ended up with Big” thing.  Despite his flaws, he really does love her and is trying to change.  I love how the movie stays fun even though it does deal with serious relationship issues.  And the theme of love, whether between friends or significant others, is really uplifting.  It’s just a fast-paced, frothy movie that manages to stay cool even at its hefty 2.5 hour length.  And I can only hope I am as fashionable and my life is as glamorous as theirs someday.

+ Isn’t the point of having a laptop to be able to take it anywhere?  But sitting outside I am just worried that something’s going to happen to it – my diet coke will spill, it will get scratched, leafy stuff will get it all dirty … it’s only a month old, and my last computer lasted about 5 years, so this one has a lot to live up to.  Also, it kind of smells like penis out here.  At least it’s not hot …

+ So when I finally get the time to sit outside and hopefully become sort of tan (ha ha with my naturally ghostly complexion), the sun is hidden behind clouds.  Figures, eh?

+ I lost my iPod for awhile and it was a terrifying time.  My life is so difficult …

+ Tonight I have tennis (6-7:30) and ultimate frisbee (7-9ish).  Then D. and I will probably watch some more Flight of the Conchords - they are hilarious.

Over and out!

Em

And work tomorrow

Sunday

So yesterday I was actually very productive, out of guilt for not being productive at all in the last week.  I woke up pretty early (for the weekend) and proceeded to immediately start a load of laundry.  Then I went to the store to pick up ingredients for a carrot cake that I decided to make for D.  He made me a cheesecake for my birthday, so I figured it was only fair that I made him something eventually.  Even though I don’t cook and am deathly afraid of the kitchen.  So making that took a really long time, especially with grating all the carrots and chopping up the nuts.  After it cooked I still had to make the icing (4 cups of powdered sugar!) and wait until it cooled to ice it.  Getting it out of the pan and onto a cooling rack and then into a serving dish was quite a feat.  After that I took my brother L. to Borders to get Father’s Day presents.  I got my dad a Flaming Lips cd and L. got him a book.  Then my aunt and cousin were over, and I went over to D.’s briefly to drop off the cake.  We watched part of Paris, Je T’aime and he didn’t like it, but I did because I was just in Paris .  Then we went over to my house since we were having a cookout.  I had a veggie burger, even though I’m barely vegetarian anymore.  Ok, I’m really not vegetarian anymore.  After 5 years.  Bad Em … haha.  But I didn’t want to put up with the sass from family friend S.  After family time we went back to his house, where we drank and watched Talladega Nights.

Today I woke up at 11 and found out that my brother made it into the semifinals of his tennis tournament.  So then I drove 40 minutes to where it was being held and watched the finals, which he won.  Then we all ate lunch at Applebee’s, drove back, and now I need to find out what the Father’s Day dinner plan is.  I just want to go over to D.’s and watch Life as a House, but I might have to do something with the fam.  I think I’m skipping out of ultimate frisbee, but it’s ok because D. is too and he’s one of the main ones.

Oh, and I forgot Friday. At work we set up for a wedding all day – I learned how to fold napkins like a fan.  B. was being really nice which was good.  After work I briefly hit tennis balls with my dad and L.  Then we had a going away dinner for our family friend Y.

Anyway, the rest of today should be pretty chill.  And then work again tomorrow :/.

I am obsessed with this song “I Kissed a Girl”.  Oh, and Miley Cyrus … I didn’t know that song “7 Things” was by her but then they said it today on the radio.  She’s become practically an overnight sensation … how has she done more by age 15 than I will in my life?  Or at least become more famous … haha.  And as usual I love Rihanna but I don’t like her newest single, “Take a Bow”.  So there are some updates on my music taste.  And I can’t stand Colbie Caillat.  How boring is she?

Ok, I should probably roll out.

Em

Thursday

Scratch that last entry. It was boring and not about what I want to write about … my dreams.

A lot of times I am afraid to admit my goals and dreams because I’m worried they won’t happen. Also, in the community where I grew up (not my family, my community – old friends, etc), what I want isn’t acceptable.

I want to become a movie or tv producer. I want to move to California. There, I said it.

I have also seriously considered going into business, but I think if I am being completely honest with myself I want a career in entertainment.

I just worry a lot because it’s really competitive and I don’t have an entertainment background. My majors are business and psychology, for god’s sake. Also, I’m scared to move so far away from everything I know. But I know that if I let fear hold me back I’ll always regret it. So after I graduate I do hope to move far, far away from the midwest.

I need warm weather. I need beaches. I need a way to combine my business and entertainment interests and skills to make a career, and I think producing is a great way to do that. But who doesn’t want to be in entertainment? How do you break in? AHHH.

Ok, I’m going to sleep soon. For real.

<3 Em.

Thursday

And drunkish … hehe. I love champagne.

Tomorrow is Friday, and not a day too soon. Today I updated all the menus in the bar and then entered all the new inventory into our excel spreadsheet. Now the other intern and I are updating the whole thing to include everything.

It always seems to be more important to me to get out of work early or at a reasonable hour than make those few extra bucks, haha,

After work today I went and hit tennis balls with my dad and brother. It was a lot of fun but also 92 degrees out, sooo a little intense(ly warm).

After that, there was a dinner thing for a family friend, Y, who is taking a long trip and then moving away. It was also sort of an anniversary dinner party for D. and I. It was a lot of fun, and afterwards (you guessed it), we came home and polished off 2 bottles of champagne. Yes, we’re a family of sponges. And my mom is an enabler, but I love her anyway. And she’s hilarious drunkish – she literally thought my phone was my camera. And my brother said something about how jewish people play harps …. you had to be there.

Tomorrow’s Friday! Did I mention this yet? This means no work for 2 whole days. (Although I just volunteered to work “some weekends” today at work. Why did I do this?) D.’s family is going to be out of town so that will be nice. Tomorrow I really need to get around to unpacking from Europe (yes, it’s been almost a week) and doing laundry. My life is so exciting, yes? Oh, and I just forgot, a bunch of people are playing ultimate frisbee tomorrow night, so we’ll see how that goes …

Em