France tomorrow!!
Friday
So I won’t be blogging for 2 weeks …
But I’m sooo excited! I haven’t packed yet – we don’t leave the house until noon or so. I need to get on that, but right now I’m just finishing up my laundry. Hehe yes I am a procrastinator.
CoronaX2 with the fam – I’m just getting them prepared for France … I love my family.
Today at work was hellish. I set 325 place settings, that is a ridiculous amount. I also averted some minor wedding crises dealing with tables and things like that. Events stuff is stressful, but it’s fun to see the transition from a bare room to a room ready for a party. This wedding is going to be tomorrow and outside, so I hope it stops raining for their sake. I’m kind of glad I will be gone because I don’t really want to deal with all the craziness. Plus I get to skip all the awkwardness of grad party season – “Hey, I haven’t seen you in two years, how are you?”.
I am sooo excited! Have I mentioned that yet? We’re staying in Paris for about a week which will be phenomenal. I looked through my (six rolls) of film from France 2005 and things started coming back to me. My French is very rusty but I’m sure it will be fine. I just wish I had people my age going so that I could go do nightlife stuff, but oh well. Exploring the city will be fun too … Paris is so pretty!! I don’t really know where all we’re planning on going, but I’m not too concerned about it. We’re also going to Germany for a few days, but that part of the trip always gets neglected because we’re so excited about France. Not that I don’t like Germany, but I haven’t really been there and don’t speak German at all. Maybe the beer will be good? Although I’m usually not much of a beer drinker. Germany will be a new experience and I like exploring new places, so I’m sure it will be fun 
.
So apparently my parents ran into D’s dad today at this sandwich shop and they were making lovely banter with him, and saying things like “Em’s more easygoing (mom) / nicer (dad) when she’s with D”. Thanks guys! Honestly, I can see easygoing, but not nicer. I like to think I’m always nice. After some pressuring my dad rephrased this into “more likely to let things go”, but still. They like him more than me … it’s fine. They don’t actually … I guess it’s good that they like him, right? And they were probably just making these cracks to entertain his dad … hopefully …
Anyway. Last night was the premiere of So You Think You Can Dance. That show is a lot of fun and always makes me wish I was a better dancer.
Ok, I should probably go pack. Le sigh.
Mwuah!
Em
Drama-ish
Wednesday
Today at work I realized I was doing a lot more food preparation and serving than I had originally expected to. This kind of depressed me because I am making good money, especially compared to last summer, and I am working a normal schedule and have my nights and weekends free. But it would be really preferable if I was doing more of the stuff I had planned on doing originally – the office-type stuff I was doing last week. Before the other intern showed up. I thought I would be doing promotional material for them and going out into the community to talk about our event spaces. I would be happy to cook and serve food during events, but as a daily activity I find it too stressful and too much interaction with people. Not that I’m a hermit, but all of that small-talk with strangers is really draining.
The other intern is ok. She is like a less-evil version of one of my roommates from last semester. She is very farm-girl but also a big know-it-all. Whenever I do something I’m relatively sure she’ll say something to correct my “faulty” method. She does know more than me when it comes to food preparation – but I’m pretty sure not knowing wouldn’t stop her from issuing corrections. She does it in a nice way, but forceful, and when you’re always being told you’re wrong it makes you not want to do anything. And she calls me “hon” (and once, “stud”, which I actually thought was funny), which I find a bit condescending. It’s ok for grandmas to call me hon, but not someone who is a year my senior. She is pretty nice otherwise, but it’s hard to tell yet how fake it is. I am just vary wary after everything that happened last semester, and I’m already noticing patterns in my response to how I responded to my old roommate. Very “yes, ma’am, please don’t bite my head off” – and I hate that I give people like this such power over me. I need to learn how to stand up for myself in so many different situations. Why can’t everyone just be nice and get along? I’m such a hippie, haha.
Anyway, so at lunch I was supposed to go out with my friend M. When I called her, she didn’t answer – and the whole lunch was contingent upon her answering her phone so we could figure out the details. So then I was pretty pissed off and just went home for lunch. Then I tried to rant to my parents, but they barely even noticed and just continued reading the mail or doing whatever they were doing. So then I was feeling bad because of my job, my friend, and my family, which put me in a yucky mood.
Speaking of my family – I have grown apart from them so much in the last couple of years. Now my mom is really involved in her church (since when did my mom even go to church?) and the whole family plays tennis. They all have different lives that don’t involve me at all, and when I come home it’s hard to know where I fit. So then I just end up spending as much time as possible with D, which pushes my family and I even farther apart. It’s no one’s fault, but it has happened, particularly with my mother. She has become weirdly philosophical in a way much different than me. She has a friendship with a younger man that verges on inappropriate. She is really involved in a church, which isn’t necessarily bad but something I can’t begin to understand. She drinks like a fish. Even with all of these faults, I have becoming much more accepting of her decision over the years to not have a career. With my family, having a career is merely an option. And where I used to judge her harshly for not working outside the home, now I realize that there are many activities other than jobs where people can find fulfillment. It is very difficult to find fulfillment from a job – why work doing something you hate instead of spending your (limited) time doing whatever you love to do? Especially if you aren’t forced to do the daily grind? So I understand where she is coming from. But I do selfishly wish that she would be more like her old self. Though I guess all that matters is that she is happy, so if that’s true, then I’m happy for her.
This day has been somewhat a drag, so I think I’m going to go for a run. Then M and I are supposedly getting coffee, and later D and I are watching Rushmore.
Packing/preparing for France? When???
Em
Time
Tuesday (night)
Even though D kept trying to convince me today was Monday – just because some people had an hour-long meeting instead of work yesterday doesn’t mean yesterday wasn’t the beginning of the week. Good try D.
Last night D and I watched Deja Vu, a Denzel Washington movie. After an initial fear that it was going to be yet another “typical” action-y Denzel movie, I was happily surprised that it was entertaining, a bit scary, and thought-provoking. Afterwards, D lamented my lack of time-travel knowledge (at least time travel in the way that movies assume it is). Apparently I haven’t watched enough sci-fi in my day … imagine that … haha.
So that just got me thinking. What would happen if you actually could travel back in time? I know it is ridiculous, but what would happen to everyone from the current time period?
There must be a reason that everyone is so caught up in the notion of time travel. For me, time in general has always been a really intriguing concept. You can never, ever go back to a previous moment, or forward to sometime in the future. You are eternally stuck in the present, and everyone is coming to a certain end. It really bothers me when I watch movies about people quite a few years younger than me, because I feel like I haven’t retained enough of my earlier life. I can’t remember things, a lot of things – and I guess that’s a natural memory loss of the daily and the mundane, but it still really grates on me. So that’s why I try to write more, nowadays – but no matter how much I write, in the longer run it’s not really going to matter. And even writing down things that happens limits the experience, because words are just that, and they surely can’t capture the essence of life. While I try in vain to remember the past, the present keeps on ticking by. You can never go back. You can try to recreate moments and periods of personal history, but nothing will ever be exactly the same as it is right now.
Em
Well hello there Monday …
Monday
Ugh, Mondays. The day of the week no one is ever quite ready for. It’s not even the school year, I don’t even have anything due on Monday! A lot of what makes Mondays hard is the mental transition from a schedule that is entirely your own to having to work or go to school for a significant part of the day. I just felt Monday-icky for a lot of the day, and a busy time at work didn’t really help.
It was my first time helping out in the kitchen, and I broke a coffeepot and melted the ice-cream cake. It’s really no wonder I don’t cook. I am the biggest butterfingers ever – can I blame that on being a Capricorn? Haha.
So now I am just chilling and trying to get out of my catatonic state. D wants to watch Deja Vu, but I’m going to take some time by my lonesome for awhile.
FRANCE! I can’t believe it happens in only a few days. I feel very under-prepared. There’s still a ton of clothes lying on my floor, just waiting to be washed and packed. I’ll get to it … eventually … but I am super-excited. I should brush up on my francais, non? It has been over two years now …
S called me yesterday from the road but I haven’t called him back yet. He wanted to talk psychology or philosophy or a combination, and I just haven’t had the mental capacity for that. I like to be really engaged in those sorts of discussions, and my brain is sort of on autopilot for the moment …
Living at home again is weird. There are always these people (aka my family) wanting to know about my day and what I’m doing and if I want to do X with them. I know I should be appreciative that they take an interest in my life, and I am, but sometimes I just want peace and quiet. At least it’s a lot better than living with the bitches of last semester.
My friend M comes home tomorrow – so excited! She wanted to do lunch, but I think we’re going to do coffee or dinner because I want to have an extended amount of time to dish about life and boys. I hope she has a lot of (good) drama from last semester that she needs to catch me up on .
And I should probably plan a group thing before I leave for France and my guy friend M leaves for summer classes. Planning, always planning …
I’m going to miss grad season for the second year in a row! And next year I think I’ll be old enough that it would be somewhat inappropriate for me to still be going to high school graduation parties. It is kind of sad, though. Not that I have a ton of friends graduating but I will be gone, so I can’t even go to the main ones. And last year I was working working working, so I only went to a day of parties and skipped graduation altogether. Even though my now-boyfriend was a valedictorian. Whoops :-p.
Ok, I’m rolling out.
<3,
Em
Cleaning out my closet
Sunday
And it is quite a project. There is just so much stuff in there, you can’t even imagine. Just stuff piled upon stuff, it’s gross. Apparently instead of seeing what I have before buying more (flip flops, for instance), I am too lazy to actually go through everything, which leaves me with about 10 times more clothes and shoes than I actually wear. I have been living, off and on for the last few years, in this house since I was in sixth grade. And I am not an overly-neat type – I tend to be more of a pack-rat. So you can imagine how my closet and the rest of my room looks. If it is any indication, I have been home for two weeks and I just finished “unpacking”. (I say “unpacking” because it’s hard to unpack when there’s not really anywhere to unpack TO.)
So I intend to go through my clothes and reorganize them and donate a bunch. And I need to do that before I can let myself buy new stuff. (Mmm shopping … everything is so new and pretty!) Otherwise I will just end up with even more crap and nowhere to put it.
Earlier I went to the Humane Society orientation. It wasn’t especially informative, but I met a couple of nice grad student guys there – maybe I’ll run into them when I’m out there volunteering. The Humane Society doesn’t actually give you a volunteer schedule, you just show up when you want. I kind of wish I had an assigned time so that I would be forced to go and do it, instead of putting it off. Plus no one really gives you tasks unless you ask for them – first you’re just supposed to check the cat cages and dogs and stuff. It’s kind of weird, but it will be good to give back. And animals rights is a cause I have been passionate about for many years now.
My friend I emailed me back, so we are in route to repairing our friendship, I guess.
My aunt is here for awhile and later D and I are going to go throw the frisbee around. I should get back to making my room a little more livable …
Em
Tough stuff
Sunday
I just emailed a friend of mine who badly betrayed me all of last year. He completely ceased communicating with me, even when I made it clear I wanted to talk to him. This would have been understandable – if I had done something hurtful to him. But I hadn’t, which made it so much worse. And I was singled out – it wasn’t like he stopped talking to other mutual friends of ours. None of them could find out why he was doing this to me. He emailed me sometime later last semester, asking to talk to me. I waited for awhile to contact him – partly because I just didn’t want to deal with it, and partly out of selfishness. I wanted him to feel what it’s like to be completely ignored by a good friend. It was like he had died, but worse because it was by choice.
So that whole situation has been very emotionally jarring, and I hope we can gain some sort of mutual understanding about how the other is feeling and their motivations. Eventually I hope to be able to trust him again, but after all that has happened, that is going to be a long process.
I often feel betrayed by people, and I don’t know what I do to bring this on. My roommate situation last semester was incredibly difficult and hurtful, and I still do not – and probably will never – understand why it was like it was. I am coming to an acceptance that everyone is not nice, and that some people get off on making others feel shitty. There have been few instances in my life that made me feel as bad as living with those girls last semester did. I just found out that one of them deleted me from her facebook friends – how petty. Again, all of this would have made sense if I actually DID something nasty to them, but I don’t do mean things and I am generally considered a nice person.
Honestly, I think one of my flaws is that I’m too nice – to the extent that some people feel that they can use me as a doormat. I have had this problem throughout my life, especially over the last three years or so. When I met the boys at the end of high school, they relentlessly made fun of me – which was fine until it became just too much. It is because I just laugh it off and am so nice about it that people think they can do what they want. If I had become a bitch to those girls last semester, instead of just fruitlessly trying to appease them, they would have at least become less intimidating. I was ALWAYS so damn nice to them, and they treated me like shit. I wasn’t the best roommate ever – I didn’t spend endless hours cleaning the place – but they are notoriously OCD about cleaning and my behavior did not warrant their awful treatment of me. From Day 1, I felt excluded without a cause.
Now some people who I once considered good friends are not responding to my efforts to reach out to them, and this hurts me, too. Sometimes I think that other people just move on a lot easier than I do. I don’t switch friends very much, which is probably something I should work on. I am really good at making acquaintances, but when it comes to actually making friends – you know, those people you would call at 4 a.m. for anything – I fall short. It is really hard to make that leap from casual acquaintance to good friend, and honestly I don’t know how a lot of the people closest to me came to be that way.
Basically, I am instinctively very trusting of people, but because of various situations and baggage I am starting to become less so. I am starting to accept that there are people I will just never get along with, and whose motives I will never understand. There are people who are so different from me that it is very difficult, if not impossible, to be friends. People who are crueler than I could ever be.
I could never ignore a friend pleading to talk to me. I could never look someone in the eyes and tell her she’s not invited, and that some people “just aren’t meant to be friends”. I could never make fun of someone to the point that they are about to break down.
All of this has happened to me, and I’m sure there are more awful things, too. All of this plus more is the reason why I tend to be afraid of people. That doesn’t mean I sit in my room alone all the time – I love meeting people, I love parties, I love just hanging out and shooting the breeze. But for me, there is always a fear that I won’t be accepted, that people will shut me out, exclude me, or not like me. I watch D socialize and I admire how he says what he wants, without worry that others will reject it or him. It is truly me who is the introvert, although many people would say otherwise. When push comes to shove I know what to say, I know how to be friendly, and I know how to put people at ease. But it’s getting up the nerve to say anything at all that is tough sometimes. It used to be a lot worse, and it is rare these days that I have to remind myself to actually participate in conversations. When I do speak up, people usually like what I have to say. But it’s that fear of “what if?” that sometimes keeps me quiet. That realization that sometimes people are cruel that stops me from saying what I want to say.
I need to go get ready for my Humane Society orientation.
Em
And spontaneity ensues ….
Saturday
So remember how my friend S was going to come visit me this weekend? Turns out he didn’t have the money to afford rent and gas, soo he sadly couldn’t make it. So I decided to go visit him instead!
The trip was a lot of fun. I went down on Friday after work … it was very spontaneous of me haha. I kind of wanted to surprise him, but both my mom and D thought that would be a bad idea. So I let him know and he was very excited. Last night, we met up with a couple of our other friends and had drinks – yes, many drinks – and pizza. My friend A made the pizza, but he took forever to make it and it was way too greasy and cheesy. After eating pizza I felt really nauseous, and it was definitely not from the alcoholic beverages I had consumed. Although those probably didn’t help. They have a really cute dog. I don’t remember specifics of a lot of the conversations, but at one point A and S got into an argument about politics or something. It’s really fun to just be around people you know well but haven’t gotten to hang out with in a really long time. A and K and I are friends from last year, but I haven’t hung out with them at all this year. At one point, A made me feel really guilty because he said I had told him I would call them. Whoops. It was probably one of those “I’ll call you guys and we’ll set something up!” things that are always well-intentioned but usually don’t happen. I wanted S to set something up all of first semester, but he never did. So now, as I’m rekindling that friendship, they are moving away. Le sigh. And S and I are as close as ever, and he’s moving, too. Sadness … but I’m sure he’ll be much happier where he’s going. And if he’s not, there’s not a whole lot keeping him there. Somehow I think our paths will cross again in the future. While I am sad he is leaving, I am confident our friendship will remain strong.
Today we went out for “breakfast” at around 1. Haha, I think noon is my ideal wake-up time. We went to this little diner by my school – it’s kind of sketchy but has yummy breakfast food. After that we watched a couple episodes of the OC (loooove). Then we went to WalMart and wandered around – Guitar Hero 3 costs $90 with a wireless guitar, that’s crazy! We headed back to his place and then to campus to see if we could bother our friend J. We found his dorm room and left him a note because he wasn’t in. On our way out we ran into him and we talked for awhile.
J is someone I had a pretty big crush on later last year. I have gained a lot of perspective in the time that has elapsed, and when I talk to him now, I just realize how it could have never worked out with him. He’s way too much in his hippie mumbo-jumbo pseudo-psychology talk. He thinks he has it all figured out, and yet his life just never seems to be very ideal. Talking to him isn’t really a conversation – it’s him espousing his so-called wisdom. He is always enduring drama and doesn’t see that he brings it upon himself. His relationship kind of recently fell apart – I am sorry about that because he seemed really happy with it first semester of this year. He was talking about how it didn’t work out because he couldn’t fix her problems. But when you love someone, isn’t it your responsibility to try? Also, he said that it wasn’t his responsibility to help anymore, because they are no longer together. But you don’t stop loving someone just because you break up.
It’s interesting to see how perspective on things changes as life unfolds.
After we finished talking to J, it was after 5 and S had to get ready for his aunt to arrive. I said a pretty hasty yet heartfelt good-bye. It’s a little disconcerting to not know when I am going to see him next. I drove the two hours home, and then ran almost 2 miles, ate dinner, showered, and am now waiting for D to get his ass ready so we can watch 21 Grams.
I’m leaving for France for 2 weeks next Saturday so I really need to get my shit together soon. Also, I have my orientation at the Humane Society tomorrow at 12.
Besos!
Em
Office. Death Cab. Hills. ANTM. I have a life, I swear …
Thursday
I can’t believe Jim still didn’t propose to Pam! He was all ready with the ring and the fireworks and then Andy goes and steals his thunder. And now everyone is unhappy for various reasons :/. But at least he will get around to it eventually, and the ending with Angela making out with Dwight. And Michael and that new HR girl, Toby leaving, Kevin being mentally retarded … haha I love that show.
Also, apparently Whitney won ANTM. I was expecting Anya to win, honestly, but I’m glad a plus-size girl finally did. Although apparently she didn’t used to be plus-size and the judges didn’t justify why they picked her over Anya. Maybe a set-up? I’ll have to watch and see.
I read the Rolling Stone article about the Hills today … the one with the girls on the front in their underwear … haha. I love that show but at least the article does admit it’s somewhat scripted. No one’s life is actually that fun and exciting, that’s reassuring. And I knew they wouldn’t have gotten their jobs without being on the show, but it’s heartening to have them admit they were actually set up by the show. It’s a win-win – the girls get cool jobs and the employers get a lot of free publicity. I think Lauren is fabulous but Audrina is my favorite because she’s really sweet. Also I can relate to her getting shitted on by her roommates. (Story for another time …)
ALSO I just found there’s a new Death Cab cd!! This basically made my day, and hopefully I will have my hands on it very soon. I listened to the samples on Amazon, but I can’t wait to hear the whole thing. I just love his voice and how it makes you really feel. Fun music is always nice, but it’s the deep music that is my favorite, because it forces you to think and feel and all that.
I promise I do have a life outside of pop culture. Usually. Although I did watch two movies today.
But I was at work researching for a bunch of the day … thrilling, yes? Because researching specifics about event spaces and catering menus is pretty awesome. At least my supervisor is really nice and gives me things to do, though. Hopefully I won’t have to call suspicious people tomorrow, though.
But exciting-ness – tomorrow is Friday! And my friend S is coming up from my school to visit for a couple days, so I’m super-excited. D (the bf) and I went to visit him last weekend, and I guess he just had so much fun he can’t stay away from us. Or something. And he’s moving to New York really soon and he’s one of my best friends, so it does make sense, haha. Yayayay for awesome friends visiting .
Ok I am delirious, probably because of not having slept for a full night in the last few days. Let’s add another one to the count, shall we? Last night was a fun night out with my friend N, and then a few of us watched Waitress. It’s like HS all over again ….
Sleep for real.
Em
Technological Dependence
Tuesday (night)
On Sunday, the electricity went out for an hour or so, and everyone was flipping out about it. This led me to wonder about a life without technological gadgets. Without the constant checking of phones, computers, televisions, and all of the other things we’ve invented to entertain ourselves, people would be forced to actually interact and do something with their minds, like read. Technology isn’t bad, but it would be an interesting experiment to do without it for awhile … dependence on anything is bad, right?
It’s storming outside. My tummy hurts. It is 2 in the morning and I have to get up at 8:45 for work. (PS – sleep is overrated in my book.) I like cuddling, especially when it’s raining outside. My mom may be a slight alcoholic – intervention time? Work is already somewhat boring, but they call me Suzy Q.
My day in a nutshell …
No, this is my day in a nutshell – “Help! I’m in a nutshell!”
Hehe I love that joke … I’m such a dork.
Ok, must sleep.
Em
I love my new job :)
Monday
So this morning I arrived at work at 9. The woman I am interning with wasn’t there and no one else was, really, so I was at a loss. I proceeded to go to Starbucks and then briefly back home to pick up some reading material. I was getting really frustrated and waiting in the lobby, when finally she appeared around 10.
Apparently I don’t need to come into work until 10 ever. And I can get off as early as 3. Which does make it a part-time thing, but it is fairly flexible and I think it’s just basically as long as I want to stay … I should still get around 40 hours if I stay until 4 or 5 and then work events on weekends. She seems fine with me getting that many hours, so that’s good. I’m making pretty good money and doing basically a full-time job that I really enjoy – whee!
I guess it may still be too early to say I “really enjoy” it, but today was really good. After I started to gain an understanding of how their event pricing works (event spaces with or without catering, etc.), I wrote a bunch of copy for their website. Frankly, the banquet part of their website sucks, so they really do need a lot of help. It is pretty negative (prices, fees) which isn’t how the place is, and not how you should market anything. My supervisor understands that it is really boring to have nothing to do at work – after I got there and helped her with a few things, she explained exactly what she wanted me to do. I like that my supervisor is present and actually has projects for me. So yeah, I basically am writing fresh, fun stuff for their site. I’m trying to figure out what all links it needs and everything. Hopefully I don’t have to write for the golf part because I know nothing about golf …
I also worked some on the catering menu, just with updating it and stuff. Also, we are thinking about a promotional packet they could give out. They have a few little documents, and a folder would give it a much more professional appearance. I am going to write an introductory page too, so it doesn’t go right into
how much things cost. I came up with an easy-to-understand (hopefully!) fee chart, too, so that how much everything costs is clearly spelled out.
Everyone seems really friendly, even if I’m not really working with anyone my age. Apparently there’s going to be another intern from Purdue who starts next week, so hopefully she’s cool. She’s more into the food and beverage side of it and not as much marketing and sales.
This is just right up my alley and can lead down a bunch of communications career paths – special events, marketing, advertising … there are always country clubs or hotels to work at and market their event spaces, no matter where I end up living.
In other news, the Hills finale is on tonight . 10 pm … be there.
Em
